JOKES!!

Custom Search

[BLING_BLAOH]

      In-law vs Outlaw

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.


Osama Doesn't Get Any      
       
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

[natty_or_knatz]

 Jamaican Patois Vs. American English

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you boy
JAM: Bwoi yuh noh dead yet?

USA: Lord, we have lost electricity again
JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid

USA: This meal is not too bad.
JAM: Di food can eat

USA: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis

USA: Can i have a piece of cake?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss come aff a di house tap before a buss yuh rassklaat!

USA: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu
JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up suzie!

USA: Oh My God, I just broke my mom's expensive plate.
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry

USA: aren't those pants a bit short
JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long
JAM: But wait... no Robot naah run todey!

USA: Get me a pop please
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh

USA: It's time for a Perm
JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough like mi foot battom?

USA: Yuck!! This is nasty.
JAM: Kiss mi back foot!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid.

USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.

USA: Girl, your acne is terrible.
JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.

USA: Please make some room in the bus so this man can sit.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA: I have a stomach ache
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi

USA: These mangoes look a bit over ripe
JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh

USA: He has very large full eyes
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA: He has no manners
JAM: Im dont have no broughtupsi!

USA: perspiration odour
JAM: him smell green

USA: poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet

USA: oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeee

USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder
JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!

USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!

USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismal ... my stomach hurts
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now .. mi belly bine up

USA: That man over there is missing his dentures
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh

USA: OH my your feet are so ashy...
JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back ... yuh couldn't rub likkle cocanat ile pon yuh foot dem ...

[RAS_CHUCKY11]

Greetings

I an I found this and had to laugh


There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train, with the girl being in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
 
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!
 
As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
 
Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.
 
The white man is thinking to himself, "darn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."
 
Meanwhile, the Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat bloodclaat white bwoy one more time. 
   

[rasfreeform]

...a visual one...

[bluerasta]

TWO SNOWMEN IN A FIELD
ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER
CAN YOU SMELL CARROTS :D

[Speedy Bling-Blaoh]

Yard Work Sign Language
 
  A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower.  Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it.  He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. 
So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.  ("I need the rake. ") She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, and then rubbing her crotch.  The man is confused and runs upstairs. 

"What the hell did that mean?"

"I left it behind the bush. "
 

[Wahine]

 

Ha ha ha ha! LMAO as usual!!!!

[NyaInIJahLove]

LOL
mi too!

[Speedy Bling-Blaoh]

 
  7 Wise Men   
 
  7 wise men with minds divine,
created a pussy to their design. 
1st was the butcher, smart with wit,
with his knife he created a slit. 

2nd was the carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he made a hole. 

3rd was the tailor, tall and thin,
with red velvet he lined within. 

4th was the hunter, short and stout,
with a fox skin he lined without. 

5th was the fisherman, mean as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell. 

6th was the preacher whose name was MaGee,
he touched, blessed it, and said it could pee. 

7th was the biker, a real little runt,
he fucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT. 
 

[Wahine]

Whats the difference between a Bachelor and a married man?

A bachelor comes home, looks at whats in the fridge and goes to bed.

A married man comes home looks at whats in the bed and goes to the fridge.

[paco]

   Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his
friend dead. Wife says, "Keep that up and you'll lose ALL your
friends."

********************************************************************

Small Boy writes to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."

Santa writes back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER!"

[MaoriLion]

2 panda girls r having a little chat and 1 panda says 2 the other:

"are you still going out with your boyfriend?"

and the other panda replies:

"no, we broke up, he just eats shoots and leaves."

nudge nudge

[paco]

Posted on: March 04, 2008, 08:08:08 AMfor those in the usa
         
            http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/vp-debate-open-palin-biden/727421/

[natty threads]

Okay. So God says to Adam I can make the perfect wife for you. She'll treat you well, never argue, and do everything you say, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.

Adam says "What can I get for one rib?"

****************************************************

Scientists claim to have discovered the secret of creating life.

"WE don't need God anymore," they say. "We can make people ourselves."

Then they demonstrate, one picks up a handful of dirt and

God says

"No!"

"What's that?"

"MAKE YOUR OWN DIRT."

*******************************************

Usama Bin Laden dies and goes to Heaven.

He runs into George Washington.
BOOM, GW punches him in the nose and lays him out flat.

Say what?

He comes across Thomas Jefferson, who punches him in the nose and lays him out flat.

Argh.

So Usama finds Saint Peter and lodges a notice of dissatisfaction.

"I keep getting punched in the nose.
This isn't right.
Where are my 72 virgins?"

Saint Peter says "Oh. You must have misunderstood. That's 72 Virginians."

[paco]

Be Strong

 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
 He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds
 a young couple in bed.

 He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while
 tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While
 he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at
 his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
 hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
 neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
 complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
 how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
 dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
 honey. I love you."

 To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my
 neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
 thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
 I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
 you too!!"
Posted on: November 19, 2008, 08:00:56 PM
                     A Very Short Story…

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought for the Day: If only men would listen.