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BLING_BLAOH
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« Reply #90 on: May 06, 2005, 05:12:15 PM » |
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Two Old Ladies Burning Rubber
Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put this out.''
The other lady said, ''No you don't, i have some cigarette covers here.''
She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?''
The second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.''
The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,''I'd like some condoms please.''
The clerk replied,''What size please?''
The lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.''
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Amish2
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« Reply #91 on: May 06, 2005, 08:05:23 PM » |
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urgh
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Wahine
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« Reply #92 on: May 08, 2005, 05:50:06 AM » |
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Got a new one to share.
Baby bear goes down stairs and sits in her little chair at the table. She looks into her bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.
Daddy bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.
Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... "For christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy bear who got up first, it was Mummy bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy bear who set the damn table, it Mummy bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear - asses downstairs and grace Mummy bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause i'm only gonna say this one more time.
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!!
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Wahine
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« Reply #93 on: May 08, 2005, 05:59:19 AM » |
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And one more...
For my friends, i am passing this on to you because it has definately worked for me.....and as we start a new season we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice i read in an article, i have finally found inner peace. The article read:
"THE WAY TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE IS TO FINISH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STARTED."
So i looked around the house to see all the things i started and hadn't finished...and before leaving the house this morning i finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Frangelico, the half packet of sudafed, some panadeineforte, half a cheesecake and a packet of timtams. You have no idea how freakin' good i feel!!!!
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Amish2
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« Reply #94 on: May 08, 2005, 04:47:01 PM » |
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jahbless
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« Reply #95 on: May 10, 2005, 11:18:56 PM » |
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BLING_BLAOH
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« Reply #96 on: May 11, 2005, 05:09:37 PM » |
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LOL!! Now that was funny Whitechick. I have some more share also.
Get On The Bus
A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''
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BLING_BLAOH
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« Reply #97 on: May 11, 2005, 05:10:55 PM » |
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New Popemobile
The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to buy a car. A young salesman came out just as soon as the Pope walked onto the lot.
''Hello, can I help you?''
''Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.''
''We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like, come get me.''
So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.
The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place. ''What did you do to my car?!'' the Pope yelled.
''I was just trying to make it holy for you.''
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BLING_BLAOH
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« Reply #98 on: May 11, 2005, 05:12:30 PM » |
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A Husband's Moment of Realization
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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jahbless
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« Reply #99 on: May 11, 2005, 05:23:58 PM » |
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lol...that was funny
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Raszeb
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« Reply #100 on: May 11, 2005, 05:37:46 PM » |
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A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
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BLING_BLAOH
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« Reply #101 on: May 11, 2005, 06:40:18 PM » |
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 Good one Raszeb!  Dis ah real nasty one, but mi just crazy enuff fi put it out deh. Osama and Saddam are walking through a ... Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck. Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn." And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.
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Wahine
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« Reply #102 on: May 12, 2005, 09:25:35 AM » |
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16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK......
1. It's an incentive to turn up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction, because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations, because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since theres no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
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Wahine
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« Reply #103 on: May 12, 2005, 09:30:07 AM » |
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Like ya jokes Speedy!!!
One more for ya for now... No offence to anyone, thought it was quite witty.
CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION - As from January 2004, Viagra will only be available under it's chemical name. Please ask your pharmacist for ........
MYCOXAFLOPPIN.
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jahbless
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« Reply #104 on: May 12, 2005, 03:48:33 PM » |
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