Rasta Nicks Forum

Rasta Forum => Other Chat => Topic started by: staci on June 25, 2004, 08:01:32 PM

Title: JOKES!!
Post by: staci on June 25, 2004, 08:01:32 PM
Does anyone here know any good jokes? ;D

I will start with a small silly one.

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and skiing?

skipper


:-/ [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: staci on June 25, 2004, 08:02:24 PM
that is supposed to be "water skiing".

man i have add bad. ;D
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: lilrasi_I on June 26, 2004, 06:11:23 PM
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

-brought to you by Mitch Hedburg
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: ponder on June 26, 2004, 07:33:46 PM
LOL those were good man. thanx fer the laugh
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: rasbongo on June 27, 2004, 09:57:28 AM
story about the baby mouse and baby cat.

they play together all the time but their moms didnt know they were playmates.

when the cats mom found out she told her baby dont you know we eat them as meal, next time you guys are playing catch her and bring her so we can have her for dinner.

at the same time the mouses mom also warned her that cats are their enemies and that they eat them.

then when the cat encountered the mouse she tried to play but the mouse wont have none of it, so the cat asked why she dont want to play anymore.. the mouse said in reply

my mom told me, what your mom told you.

small joke i use to love when i was a lad, hope u all enjoy.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Rebenga on June 27, 2004, 02:27:09 PM
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?




...................


Christopher Walken! ;)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: lilrasi_I on June 28, 2004, 01:35:12 AM
It's that time again! [smiley=laugh.gif]

My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...

...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-Brought to you by Mitch Hedburg
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: RasLionheart on June 28, 2004, 08:55:29 AM
Mango Tree Stoning: Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?" "True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh." The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down. "It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten." They then began to stone the mango tree again.




One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard.
Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool.
Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up.
Him call for silence and says "OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna di pool."




A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Last one is one to remember...some signs we just don't see...zeen!

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on June 28, 2004, 11:53:08 AM
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRUIT AND WOOD...

A young boy asks his father, 'Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?'
Surprised, the father answers, 'Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of
breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'

Misgana,
Empress_ez
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on June 28, 2004, 11:55:31 AM
Sorry here's the rest of it........

'Onions, Dad?'
'Yeah, you see them and they make you cry....'
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, 'Mom, how many kind of penises are there?' The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, 'Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration...'

Misgana,
Empress_ez
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Iziondawta on July 02, 2004, 04:22:17 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif]


How does a crazy person walk through the woods?
 They take the Psycho-path!

How do you get holy water?
 Boil the hell out of it!

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
 DAM!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
 Polaroids!

What do prisoners use to call each other?
 Cell Phones!

What do the letter DNA stand for?
 National Dyslexics Association

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
 A stick!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
 NACHO cheese!

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
 Quatro Cinco

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
 Anyone can roast beef!

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
 Right where you left him!



and finally...
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Iziondawta on July 02, 2004, 04:29:39 PM
(I am an avid rider - and heard this one out on the trail!)

 This blonde woman decided to try horseback riding, even though she had never done it before, and was rather scared.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action!  It gallops along at a steady, rhytmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle!  In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but just cannot get a firm grip!  She tries throwing her arms around the horses neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway!  The horse just gallops along, seemingly oblivious to the peril of the slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety, but her foot got caught in the stirrup!  She is now at the mercy of the punding hooves of the horse, and is screaming in terror as her head hits the ground again and again!  As the ride from hell continues, her head is battered against the ground, and she is just mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......


The Walmart Manager sees her, and pulls the plug on the horse. [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Iziondawta on July 02, 2004, 04:35:18 PM
One day a man was passing by a farm, and saw the most BEAUTIFUL horse he had ever laid eyes on!  Hoping to buy this great beast, he said to the farmer, I think your horse looks pretty good, and I'm prepared to give you $500 right now for him!

"He don't look so good, and he ain't fer sale!" said the farmer

The man insisted, and upped the price to $1,000!

"He don't look so good," said the farmer, "but if ye want him that bad, he's yours!"

The next day, the man came back, raging mad!  "YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE!  I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

The farmer calmly replied, " I told ye he didn't looks o good, didn't I?"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on July 02, 2004, 04:46:00 PM
Bless Iziondawta

that last joke still have me laughing , that was a  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]good one


Misgana,
Empress_ez
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Rebenga on July 02, 2004, 08:53:24 PM
What is England's oldest Rock Group?






Stonehenge! ;)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Iziondawta on July 02, 2004, 10:43:31 PM
So this city slicker is out in my neck of the woods one day, and sees this stunning horse on an Amish Farm up the road.  Well, he's just GOT to have it, so he dickers with the Amish man for a while, and finally owns the horse.  City dude jumps on, and yells, "Giddyup!" but the horse just stands there!  So the Amish man explains that they "train 'em a bit different than you's in the city!  He'll only move when you yell "PRAISE THE LORD!" and he'll only stop when you holler "AMEN"!

So, city slicker gathers his reins, gets a good seat, and yells "PRAISE THE LORD!"  And sure 'nuff, that old horse took off like Satan himself was chasin 'im!  Off they went, through the Amish farmers fields, and up here into the woods.  Racing down the trail at top speed, the city dude sees a large cliff up at the end of the trail here, and right at the last minute, remembered to yell "AMEN!" and that ole horse just stopped in his tracks!  Raising his eyes to heaven, the dude sings, "PRAISE THE LORD!"


                    (this is why I ride Mules! LOL)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: chukerz on July 03, 2004, 01:14:59 AM
lol thats a good 1
here's mine.
Sherlock homes 'n watson are camping out. sherlock homes askes, "watson lookup, what do you see" watson sais "i see stars". "and what does that tell you watson?" 'n watson sais "astronomicaly, it tells me that there are millions of explodind lights spanning millions of miles. this then conforms that the galaxie is a huge place so it tells me there is possobility ofother life out there, but why do you ask?"

taking a deep breath sherlock homes replys "Watson, someone has stolen our tent".

sorry if i kinda screwed up writhing it 'n it dosn't make sense but thought it was pretty funny. [smiley=laugh.gif]

PEACE OUT
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: moonfall on July 03, 2004, 02:07:42 PM
pritty kick ass thanks for a much needed laugh.



keep the peace
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: gunep on July 04, 2004, 09:04:59 AM
a man in Tajikistan or smth (Asian country) is sitting nere his home watching his small children playing ball in the sand. his is happy. a friend of him comming to greet him. "salam! oh what a wonderfull children you have! what do you think of them?"
"...well. should i wash them or make another."


fuf.. i read it & understood the difference of knowing the language and my own knowlege )))

don't be cruel  ;)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: moonfall on July 18, 2004, 03:34:00 AM
there long to read but they are pritty good, thank you




keep the peace
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Rebenga on July 18, 2004, 03:57:15 AM
What kind of room can a person never enter?



A mush-room! [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: RasRaulik on September 04, 2004, 07:22:54 AM
Dis joke is an old one but funny...


a jamaican guy enters a resturant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

the waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the jamaican, the note reads...

"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...

"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new benz an a bran new bimma park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nuhbaddy an mi mean NUHBADDY nah gon mek mi cut 3 inch off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"

Title: Just a joke
Post by: rasrossi on September 06, 2004, 05:21:17 PM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Isnt it funny eh?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msganja575 on September 09, 2004, 03:27:42 PM
this lady was a street walker but she also lived with her grandmother , so one day the street walker and some other girls were out and the police stop all of them and told them to line up on the wall, so while they were doing that the grandmother came walking down the street and she say her granddaughter and ask her why were they standing on the wall and the girl said that the police were giving away oranges the grandmother said Ok I think I needs some oranges too, so the grandmother went to the end of the line. When the police got to her he ask her how do she do it and she said I just take my teeth out and suck them dry.

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on September 17, 2004, 10:02:34 PM
 
These jokes were just what I needed at the end of a long week.  Listen to reggae and laugh.  I especially liked olegallis'
story about the rich mans party.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: ThinkingTree on September 19, 2004, 08:46:39 AM
A man is called before a court and the judge says "in your own words tell me how the man was killed" i stood up and said "zip idely pog gong dup dooooo...!"

-George Carlin
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on February 16, 2005, 12:16:25 AM
i loved the one bout de jamaican inna de bar  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 17, 2005, 05:14:30 PM
Good jokes people! Very Good!! Mi luv di ones posted by Lilrasi_I.

Blonde and Blonder  

A Redheaded mom walks into her daughter's room, finds a beer bottle and says, "I never knew my daughter drank!"
A Brunette walks into her daughter's room, finds a pack of cigarettes and says, "I never knew my daughter smoked!"

A Blond mom walks into her daughter's room and finds a condom.

She says, "I never knew my daughter had a penis!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 17, 2005, 05:31:37 PM
This guy was training 3 people to be CIA assassins in an apartment building. He gave the gun to the first person, who was a man, and said, "Your wife is in the back room. I want you to go back there and shoot her." The guy goes in and comes out 10 seconds later and says, "I can't do it."
The man says, "That's because you don't have what it takes to be a CIA assassin. Get the hell outta here!"
The man gives the gun to the second person, who is also a man, and says, "Your wife is in the back room. I want you to go back there and shoot her."
So the guy walks in. He comes out 30 seconds later crying. He says, "AAHHH! I Can't do it! AAAHHH!"
The man says, " That's because you don't have what it takes to be a CIA assassin. Get yo punk ass outta here!!"
So the man gives the gun the third person. This person was a woman. He says, "Your husband is in the back room. I want you to go back there and shoot him."
The woman walks in the room and shuts the door. No soon after the man heard, BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! He also heard furniture being threw around. The woman comes out of the room 1 1/2 minutes later and says, "Some asshole put blanks in my gun. So I had to beat that sucka with a chair."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Natty_Fred on February 17, 2005, 06:19:29 PM
funny
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 25, 2005, 04:57:13 PM
 [smiley=grin.gif] There are two ovaries. One turned to the other and said, "Did yu order some furniture?" The other said, "No, why do yu ask?" And the other says, "Because there are two nuts outside tryin' to shove a organ up in here."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 25, 2005, 04:59:55 PM
 [smiley=cool.gif]
Safe Sex

3 bums were sitting in a circle sharing a needle. Another bum walked up to them and said, "Why are yu guys sharing a needle? Yu can get STD's from doing that." The other bums said, "We're safe. We all have on condoms."

[smiley=tongue.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on March 09, 2005, 01:17:04 PM
Three Jamaican men are traveling in the woods, a Policeman, a Christian, and a Rastaman, and they get captured by some Trolls. The Trolls say that they are trespassing and must get a whipping before they can be allowed to go on.  

The head of the Trolls says to the Christian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The Christian responds, "I will take some Holy Oil." So they put holy oil on his back, and a large Troll whips him ten times. When he is finished the Christian has these huge whales on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Trolls haul the Christian away, and say to the Policeman, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Policeman, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings with not a single sound out of him.

Next the Trolls ask the Rastaman, "What will you take on your back?"  

The Rastaman replies, "I'll take the Policeman."

Bless..
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: rasta-jonesy on March 09, 2005, 04:09:50 PM
wot do u call a sheep crossed with a kangeroo?


a wooly jumper [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: rasta-jonesy on March 09, 2005, 04:10:30 PM
wot do u call an elephant crossed with a fish?


swimming trunks [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on March 10, 2005, 05:19:42 PM
There were two sperms. One turned to the other and asked, "How long will it take to get to the uterus?" The another one turns and says, "Oh! That's gonna take a while." The other sperm says, "Why do yu say that?" The another sperm turns and says, "Because we just passed to esophagus."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: debz on March 10, 2005, 09:16:38 PM
WHY DID THE DUREX CROSS THE ROAD?................COZ HE WAS PISSED AWFFF!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 12:59:26 AM
Misgana,

One night a man was was relaxing watching TV when out of the kitchen
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nayme Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi disya paypa eena yuh pocket wid di nayme Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack tiddeh an dat is di nayme of di horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!". So the wife apologized, kissed his headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts back
"YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!". [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:01:45 AM
Misgana,

This bwoy ah walk pon de road and car lick im dong, so him didn start to bleed but him didda knock out. Somebady say:
"Get di bwoy som suga and wata nuh". Di bwoy git up and say "Get mi som bun and cheese too".
[smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:05:50 AM
Misgana,

A rastaman went an visit ah ole family friend. So de rastaman did ah knock pon di door an smaddy inside seh: 'AH WHO DAT?'

The rastaman seh: 'I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD,
CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I'

The person inside replied: 'A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR
FI SO MUCH AH OONU' [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif].

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:17:41 AM
Misgana,

This Jamaica man walks into a bank in Mahattan for a loan. He sits at the desk and the clerk asks:' What can i do for you'

Jamaican man:' Mi waan fi mek a likkle loan, bout 5000 US dallas'

Clerk:'It's possible, you can fill out this form'
In the meantime when he's filling out the form, they're having a conversation. So the clerk asks what's the purpose of the loan and he says it's for an urgent trip to Jamaica for two weeks. The clerk tells him that he would have to put something up as collateral, and he says yes his BMW , which is worth over US$ 50.000. When all is said and done, the loan is granted .

When the jamaican leaves the building, the clerk and his co-workers started laughing at the jamaican,saying things like :' oh boy these people are so foolish, who uses a fifthy thousand dollar car as collateral for a five thousand dollar loan'.
The bank wasn't satisfied with his collateral so they ran a background check on him, turned out he was rich.

Two weeks went by and the jamaican returned to the bank, to payback his loan with the interest. The clerk then asked: ' Sir why does a man your economic status takes out a 5000 dollar loan?

Jamaican answered: 'Where in Manhattan can i park for two weeks and only pay US$ 15.65 (interest money) [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:43:15 AM
Misgana,

JAMAICAN BUS DRIVER:
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions?  

Bus driver speaking on the intercom:  Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston.  Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features.  

 ConDucta:  Hail up massive!  We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route.  The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports.  Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies.  As unnu can si dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time  an' it still a drive like new!  

  This bus seat up to 55 passenger, howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets.  So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown.

   Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!"  Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel noh bruck aff ina one a dem.  But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out.  

   Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare....... or I will shat unnu r*ss wid mi 45.  

  Dis bus no equip wid seat belt.  Please hole on pon di railin' when dibus a tun di cana dem.  De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels 'roun' all canas an' bends.  When di bus a tun one wicked cana pon 2 wheelie, wi ask dat we seated passengers bear it if s'maddy slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh 'gainst di bus side.  We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi r*ss lap!"  Dat might cause a serious shootout!  

  On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop.  Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an' lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sinting, Rough Rider noh response.  

 Dis is NOT a non-stop journey.  As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle road wi stop.  Howeva dis bus noh stop fi police  ... in case of an unexpected police  chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph.  Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout.  

    In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole di bway an' murda 'im, to r*ss.  Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff  Noh mine dem ..... seat kina ration.  

  Tank yuh for tekin' di iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and  hope you enjoy di ride.  

 DRIVA - PRESS OUT!  
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:44:56 AM
Misgana,

AH MI MUDDAH GET LICK DUNG

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.

As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through!  Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. "

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.  [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:46:53 AM
Misgana,

TRINI TRANSLATION

USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
TnT: Yuh expekin flood or wha?
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
TnT: Buh wha trouble is dis? Boy stop flingin meh grip so.

USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John.
TnT: Yute-man, fly de bonnet nuh!

USA: I love you girl.  
TnT: Ah rell check fuh yuh, yuh done know.  

USA: Oh the poor little boy is handicap.  
TnT: Look at de lil invalid...

USA: It's time for a perm.  
TnT: Gyul, yuh head need straightenin bad. Yuh doh see all de gren-gren showin.

USA: I have a stomach ache.  
TnT: Oh gorm.............. meh belly gripein meh.  

USA: He has no manners.  
TnT: He doh have no broughtupcy.

USA: WOW!........... he has such a bad body odor  
TnT: Yuh doesn't bade?....... oh shims man...... yuh smellin stink!

USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.  
TnT: Dat chile too dam harden.

USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia.  
TnT: He duncee fuh so.

USA: I need a bottle of Pepto-Bismol... my stomach hurts.  
TnT: Ah need ah purge bad... ah cork up.

USA: It's been a long time since I've seen you girl.  
TnT: A.. A...! You still alive gyul?

USA: Oh my goodness, we have lost electricity.  
TnT: Jeezanages!!...... current gorn again.

USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof.
TnT: Ey yuh ole dutty stinkin cyat, come off de bleddy gyalvanize before ah drop two stone in yuh tail!

USA: This meal is not too bad.  
TnT: Wha doh kill does fatten and wha doh fatten does purge.

USA: Oh my, your feet are so ashy.  
TnT: Is how yuh foot and dem look like yuh was kickin flour so... yuh couldn't a rub lil coconut oil on yuh foot?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amandel on March 11, 2005, 01:52:20 AM
Misgana,

this is a killer [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
3 QUESTIONS:

A Jamaican is at the Gates of Heaven. St Peter: I have to ask you 3 questions before I can let you in.
Jamaican: No problem
St Peter: Which day of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Jamaican: Today and tomorrow
St. Peter: Well, that wasn't really the answer I was looking for but I'll give you the second question. How many seconds are there in a year?
Jamaican: 12
St. Peter: How did you arrive at 12?
Jamaican: 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb, 2nd of March, 2nd of
By now St. Peter is getting exasperated with this foo-fool Jamaican.
St. Peter: Final question now. What is the name of our Lord and Saviour?
Jamaican: Andy
St. Peter: Good God man, don't you read your Bible?
Jamaican: Yes, but every time mi guh a church dem sing: Andy walks with
me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me that I am his own...
 

P.S. Andy is actually And He
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on March 11, 2005, 02:25:54 PM
Ohhh! Wat a qute jacan! I woulda marry dat one!  [smiley=kiss.gif] (If him no dead. Thihi!)

Bless..
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on March 11, 2005, 09:08:28 PM
There was an old man and woman who had been married for many years. They had always fought.  And when they fought everyone in the neightborhood could hear them yelling. The old man would often say that when he died he would come back to haunt his wife. The neighbors  who heard him say this had heard it so many times they started to beleive he had magic powers or something.  They were a bit afraid of him.  Well, one day the old man did die.  His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. The very next day you could find the old woman drinking and celebrating like there was no tomorrow.  This frightened the folks in the pub. They expected the old man to come back at any time and were afraid of what would happen if he did.  When they spoke to the woman about this she just laughed and laughed.
She told them let him.  He can dig for all he's worth for all I care.  I had him buried face down.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on March 17, 2005, 08:53:26 PM
The bear and the rabbit  

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Natty_Fred on March 17, 2005, 10:23:26 PM
jjajaaja...
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 01, 2005, 08:10:04 PM
Lol these are good!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: PNG_Rasta on April 02, 2005, 03:07:26 PM
A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on April 02, 2005, 03:58:15 PM
Oh My!  hee hee
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 03, 2005, 04:54:03 PM
Oh that one is ace da best yet!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 04, 2005, 03:44:01 PM
Don't be grossed out by dis one!

Genie In A Bottle  

There was this man walking on the beach and he found a bottle. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant you 3 wishes."
The man said, "No Shit!"

Then he all of a sudden had to use the bathroom but couldn't because there was a big cork in his ass

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 06, 2005, 12:58:02 PM
Ewwwww
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 07, 2005, 04:26:26 PM
I thought yu would be grossed out. But hey, mi haffi put it out deh.
[smiley=wink.gif]
I See You!  

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 09, 2005, 03:01:18 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on April 09, 2005, 06:18:42 PM
WOW that's quite the mental picture.
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: JahJahSon on April 11, 2005, 12:01:51 AM
this is kinda bad and mean but here it goes:

A man walks into a bar and gets a message that his wife has been in a car accident and shes in the hospital.  He rushes to the hospital to see if shes ok and hes greeted by the doctor.  The doctor confirms the fact that she has been in a car accident and she is paralized from the neck down.  He is going to have to feed his wife, bath her, change her clothes and adult diapers because she is a vegetable for life.  The man buries his face in his hands and starts hysterically crying.  The doctor slaps him on the back and says with a smile on his face, "Im just messing with ya, SHES DEAD! Haha"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 11, 2005, 02:07:03 PM
Definitely  

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[smiley=tongue.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Natty_Fred on April 11, 2005, 04:00:19 PM
 [smiley=lipsrsealed.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 11, 2005, 08:40:17 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 21, 2005, 04:24:01 PM
heres some random funny stuff:

ketchup was ounce sold as medicine!

The shark model in Jaws was names bruce after Steven Speilbergs lawyer!

He Mona Lisa has no eyebrows shaved eybrows were the fad when she was painted!

TRUE funny laws:

In Macomb, Illinois its illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf!

In Rumford Maine it's against the law to bite your landlord!

In San Francisco you can't pick up confetti to throw again!

You can't tie a giraffe to a street lamp or telephone pole in Atlanta!

its agains the law in chigago to eat in a place thats on fire!!!

In Minnesota its agains the law for a CAT to chase a DOG up a telephone pole!

Its illegal to catch fish while on horseback in Washington.D.C

Its illegal to take a lion to the theatre in Maryland!

Its against the law to drive more than 2000 sheep down hollywood boulavard!

Brawley,Calafornia banded snow within the city limits!

InTenesse it's ilegal to drive a car while your asleep!

Its illegal in New Jersey to slurp your soup!

A texas law stats when to trains meet a t arailroad crossing each must come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone!

Its illegal in Conneticut to kiss your wife on Sunnday!

It's against the law in Ketucky to marry the same man four times!

In Marshall town Iowa it's ilegal for a HORSE to eat a firehydrant!

Its against the law in Tennessee to shoot game other whales from a moving car!

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 22, 2005, 03:27:09 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif]  [smiley=grin.gif]
Another gross one for my peeps!

Closer to God  

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=cool.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 22, 2005, 09:49:14 PM
urgh and  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 25, 2005, 02:47:20 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] Glad yu thought it was gross and funny Amish!  [smiley=cool.gif]

Really Sick  

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.

The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.

"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"He needs a pair of your underwear".


Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 25, 2005, 02:50:02 PM
"Lets do it doggy style."   [smiley=cool.gif] [smiley=cool.gif]

Dog Days  

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 25, 2005, 02:50:54 PM
Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom  

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed

[smiley=cool.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 25, 2005, 05:45:44 PM
How Dumb Are You?

Let's see how dumb you are with this little test...



1) If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg,
how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs?

20 minutes, 4 eggs can be boiled at the same time.



2) Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?


....Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.



3) Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?


.....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.



4) Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?


....No. He must be dead if it is his widow.



5) Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?


..... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 6.



6) A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
an hour. How long will the pills last?


......One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour
has passed.



7) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
left?


..... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: steven on April 28, 2005, 02:49:55 AM
theses are good jokes they make mi laugh
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on April 28, 2005, 03:26:09 AM
In a hotel there was a room that had a beautiful, ornate clock.
I was large with mahogany and brass. The center piece was a large gong in the center.
When the man staying in that room had a friend over his friend couldn't help but comment on what a beautiful clock it was.
The man told him it talks as well.
Now his friend is skeptical. How does it talk?
The man goes over and stikes the gong BOONG!
Next thing they hear is
Hey jerk it's 3 AM!  

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on April 28, 2005, 07:23:36 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
urgh and  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] (again) Speedy Bling where do u get these from?!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 29, 2005, 03:56:11 PM
 [smiley=wink.gif] Can't tell yu that Amish but here's some more!

Beans & Onions: Delicious  

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas!

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 29, 2005, 03:58:55 PM
Camoflauge Clothing  

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 29, 2005, 04:01:51 PM
Carpet  

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''



[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on April 29, 2005, 04:20:43 PM
(>""<)  z
( - o -)z
It will wake up if you are cute.

(>""<)  z
(+ o +)z

Oh shit.....
You killed it!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 30, 2005, 10:33:18 AM
Got this from someone recently. Kinda funny.

The Years Best Headlines (actual) of 2004....

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNER'S DAUGHTER.
(imagine that!)

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS.
(no, really?)

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS.
(now that's taking things a bit far!)

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
(not if i wipe thoroughly!)

PANDA MATING FAILS;VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER.
(what a guy!)

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH.
(no - good - for - nothin' lazy so - and - sos!)

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT.
(see if that works any better than a fair trial!)

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE.
(i can see where it might have that effect!)

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE.
(you think?)

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES.
(who would have thought!)

ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN;POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE.
(they may be on to something!)

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES.
(you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE.
(he probably is the battery charge!)

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP.
(weren't they fat enough?)

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT.
(that's what he gets for eating those beans!)

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS.
(tastes like chicken?)

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF.
(chainsaw massacre all over again!)

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS.
(boy they are tall!)

AND THE WINNER IS.....

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD.
(can you believe it??)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 30, 2005, 10:44:53 AM
And some others....

Little Johnny was in a real quandry about what sort of "experiment" he could write and tell about. Then, as he was walking home from school he spotted his "experiment" - a grasshopper. Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, but the grasshopper was just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business. Little Johnny ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper jumped 35 feet!... and little Johnny wrote down some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet... with both legs."
Then little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of his legs, and ordered "Jump!"  The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet (with only one leg)...and little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25 feet with one leg."
So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off his other leg, and again ordered "Jump!"
The grasshopper just sat there. Little Johnny again ordered, "Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper just sat there. Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear both legs off a grasshopper they go DEAF!"
(haha sad aye)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 30, 2005, 11:03:51 AM
Something to think about...
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Is it ok to use the AM radio after lunch?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the drivers licence of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work?
If the 7 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is bra a singular and panties plural?
You know the indestructable black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of a drive up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house does it become kitty litter?
If Aspirins are always "take two" why not increase the size of one?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 30, 2005, 11:15:27 AM
One more for now...

HOW DOES A LAWYERS BRAIN WORK?
The following questions (and answers) were actually asked of witnesses in court according to the Massachusettes Bar Assn Lawyers journel.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it till the next morning?"
2. Where you present when the picture was taken?
3. "was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
4. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
5. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" "Yes". "And these stairs, did they also go up?"
6. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
7. "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" "I have been since a baby"
8. "You were not shot in the fracas?" "No i was shot between the fracas and the navel"
9. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" "Yes" "And what were you doing at this time?"
10. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
11. "Did he kill you?"
12. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" "All my autopsies are performed on dead people"
13. "She had three children right?" "Yes" "How many were boys?" "None" "Were there any girls?"
14. "How was you first marriage terminated?" "By death". "And by whose death was it terminated"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 30, 2005, 11:27:12 AM
Sorry... No offence to the men folk but this one is for the Wimmin....

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?



A widow.


This one might cause offence..... None intended

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Peace.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: white_rasta on April 30, 2005, 01:02:59 PM
ha ha ha [smiley=laugh.gif]  thats funny...........HEY thats sayin guys r ugly or sumthin like that         o well InI kno how to take a joke    still very funny           JAH bless
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on May 01, 2005, 12:27:57 PM
lol yup very very funny.  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 03, 2005, 03:48:26 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] Yu want more? I'll give ya more! [smiley=wink.gif]

Grapevine Sliding  

What song was Tarzan singing when he slid down the grapevine?

Great Balls of Fire.  


Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 03, 2005, 03:52:38 PM
Wedding Night  

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?'' he asked.

''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''

''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''

''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?''

''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''

''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?''

''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 03, 2005, 03:56:13 PM
 [smiley=tongue.gif] Here's a stinky one.

If you're American ...  


   If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

   European!

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 03, 2005, 03:57:32 PM

Kill the Anthropologist  

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''



Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 03, 2005, 03:59:24 PM
First Time  

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"

[smiley=tongue.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on May 03, 2005, 05:25:35 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
I'll get some more when ni have time!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 06, 2005, 04:00:22 PM
YEAH!!

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex  

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 06, 2005, 04:12:15 PM
Two Old Ladies Burning Rubber  

Two old ladies were standing on a street corner smoking cigarettes. It started to rain and one lady said, ''Great, now I'll have to put this out.''
The other lady said, ''No you don't, i have some cigarette covers here.''

She proceeded to take a trojan out of her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, ''Where did you get that?''

The second lady replied, ''Just go to the drug store and ask for some condoms.''

The next day the first lady went to her local drug store and said to the clerk,''I'd like some condoms please.''

The clerk replied,''What size please?''

The lady said, ''One big enough to fit a Camel.''



Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on May 06, 2005, 07:05:23 PM
urgh
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 08, 2005, 04:50:06 AM
Got a new one to share.

Baby bear goes down stairs and sits in her little chair at the table. She looks into her bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.

Daddy bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells... "For christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy bear who got up first, it was Mummy bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy bear who set the damn table, it Mummy bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear - asses downstairs and grace Mummy bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause i'm only gonna say this one more time.


I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 08, 2005, 04:59:19 AM
And one more...

For my friends, i am passing this on to you because it has definately worked for me.....and as we start a new season we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice i read in an article, i have finally found inner peace. The article read:
"THE WAY TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE IS TO FINISH ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE STARTED."

So i looked around the house to see all the things i started and hadn't finished...and before leaving the house this morning i finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Frangelico, the half packet of sudafed, some panadeineforte, half a cheesecake and a packet of timtams. You have no idea how freakin' good i feel!!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on May 08, 2005, 03:47:01 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] sound like a good idea!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on May 10, 2005, 10:18:56 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 11, 2005, 04:09:37 PM
LOL!! Now that was funny Whitechick. I have some more share also.


Get On The Bus  

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 11, 2005, 04:10:55 PM
  

 

New Popemobile  

The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to buy a car. A young salesman came out just as soon as the Pope walked onto the lot.
''Hello, can I help you?''

''Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.''

''We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like, come get me.''

So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.

The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place. ''What did you do to my car?!'' the Pope yelled.

''I was just trying to make it holy for you.''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 11, 2005, 04:12:30 PM
A Husband's Moment of Realization  

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on May 11, 2005, 04:23:58 PM
lol...that was funny
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Raszeb on May 11, 2005, 04:37:46 PM
 A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 11, 2005, 05:40:18 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] Good one Raszeb!
[smiley=tongue.gif] Dis ah real nasty one, but mi just crazy enuff fi put it out deh.

Osama and Saddam are walking through a ...  

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across a fence where a goat has his head stuck.
Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in the fence.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 12, 2005, 08:25:35 AM
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK......
1. It's an incentive to turn up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increases job satisfaction, because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations, because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since theres no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch breaks.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 12, 2005, 08:30:07 AM
Like ya jokes Speedy!!!
One more for ya for now... No offence to anyone, thought it was quite witty.

CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION - As from January 2004, Viagra will only be available under it's chemical name. Please ask your pharmacist for ........
MYCOXAFLOPPIN.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on May 12, 2005, 02:48:33 PM
hehe..i liked the jokebout de jamaican baby lol [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 12, 2005, 04:07:52 PM
These are good Whitechick. Here's some more.


Lonely Fishermen  

What do you call a lonely fisherman?
A Master-Baiter.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 12, 2005, 04:09:20 PM
Your Butt So Big  

Your butt so big, that when you were born, the doctor said "Congratulations! Twins!"  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 12, 2005, 04:13:04 PM
The Leper  

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, ''I'm sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.'' The man replies, ''No, it's not you, it's the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.''  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on May 12, 2005, 04:29:02 PM
YUCK
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: white_rasta on May 12, 2005, 07:45:00 PM
a snail  goes up to some guys door and asks for some money the guy picks up the snail and throws him and says "get outa here"  5 years later   the guy hears a knock at his door   opens it    and the snail says   "what was that all about"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 12, 2005, 08:17:44 PM
What's for Dinner?  

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 13, 2005, 01:53:07 AM
Oh Speedy sometimes.... [smiley=laugh.gif]I wonder where you get these from. Especially the leper one!

WORDS WOMEN USE.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an arguement whenthey are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something", and you should be on your toes. Arguements that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THATS OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "Thats okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Pass this on to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 13, 2005, 02:09:57 AM
Don't know if you have Mastercard ads on the box but anyway.....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothes in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, i left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling."
Love Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, i have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, "OH THAT!...Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, i'm married!"

Broken coffee table $39.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time...Priceless!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: steven on May 13, 2005, 04:37:02 AM
such funny jokes thanks for the great laughs.  there just what i needed

ONE love Jah Bless
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on May 16, 2005, 08:50:06 AM
Heres a few there not that great but here we go...

PE TEACHER: Why didn't you stop that ball?
GOALIE: Thats whatthe nets for, isn't it?

DOCTOR: THe best time to take a bath is befor retiring.
MR POWEL: So i don't have to take another one before im 65?!

SAHRAH: Would you punish a pupil for somthing she hadn't done?
TEAHER: Of course not.
SAHRAH: Good 'cos i haven't done my homework.

DAD: i don't like this photo of me it doesn't do me justice.
MUM: it's not justice you want it's mercey!

CHEMIST: Certainley sir we do make life sized enlargements of photographs.
MAN: Good heres a photo of bucking ham palace!

Thats all for now will get more soon!
Amish
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 16, 2005, 04:29:44 PM
That is so true Whitechick.
Those were very good Amish. Here's some more.

Long Live the Pope  

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 16, 2005, 04:31:48 PM
Blonde Coffee Drinker  

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 16, 2005, 04:39:51 PM
Now! What you want? One more. One more!

Sperm Counting  

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.

And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: jahbless on May 16, 2005, 04:53:43 PM
ive heard this one before..but in de version i heard it went 'fisrt she tried with her hand, then with her teeth in, then with her teeth out.."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on May 16, 2005, 10:36:27 PM
Folks they're ALL good, but sistren whitechick. Oh girl em LUV them.
[smiley=laugh.gif]

bless
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 17, 2005, 07:54:38 AM
Thanks  Speedy. I needed cheering up today. [smiley=smiley.gif]
Just a quick one for ya...

THE MEANING OF LIFE...
If a man says something in the woods, and there is no woman around to hear it....is he still wrong?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on May 18, 2005, 04:24:29 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif]

God's Speed of Service  

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on June 04, 2005, 11:42:28 AM
New one, probably will cause offence. lol.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can't put your fingers between his neck and the rope.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on June 04, 2005, 11:46:52 AM
One more sick one i got from somewhere.....

Ass icons....

(_!_) Small ass
(__!__) Fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) sore ass
(_E=mc2_) Smart ass
(_2+2=5_) dumb ass
(_x_) Kiss my ass.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: newrasta on June 05, 2005, 09:52:13 PM
Greetings!

haha, good jokes all. I got one, not sure if it's been used, because I haven't read all of dem. Dis one might offend, sorry if it does.

A farmer had a horse who was very depressed, he wanted so bad to make it happy dat he put an ad in da paper asking for someone to help him cheer up his horse.

A few days later a man showed up offering to cheer up his horse. Da man went to da horse and whipered someting in his ear. Da horse began laughing uncontrollably.

After a few weeks, da horse never stopped laughing, da farmer became worried and put another ad in da paper asking for help.

Da next day da same man came again. He went to da horse and met wit him again. Den da horse began crying and crying and never stopped.

After two more weeks, da farmer called da man to come again. He came.

"First, you made my horse laugh uncontrollably, then you made him cry uncontrollably, what'd you do to him?!" Da farmer said.

"Well, first I told him I had a bigger dick than him. Then, I showed it to him."

Dirty, yes, but it gave I a laugh, first time I heard it. Again, I'm sorry to anyone who it offended.

One Love

Ras Evan
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on June 06, 2005, 02:47:50 PM
 Hide the Duke  

 A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on June 06, 2005, 02:48:24 PM
 None For You  

 A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on June 06, 2005, 07:04:37 PM
The sweedish and the norwegians allways use to make fun of each other. And here is a sweedish joke about norwegians.

Three norwegians are standing on each others shoulders next to a flag-pole. Then a swedish comes passing by. He asks the norwegians what they are doing, and they say to him that they are measuring the flag-pole. Then the sweedish ask them why they don't lay the flag-pole down on the ground to measure it instead. To him that seems much more easy. The norwegians looks at him. "Why should we do that?! We wanna measure the hight, not the lenght!"

Ha, ha! [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: alex on June 07, 2005, 04:19:22 PM
if you don't know anything about islam im sure you wont get this but yeah..

The pope is sitting in the Vatican and suddenly a page comes to him and says
"Your Holiness, we have some good news and some bad news"
"start with the good news' says the pope, the page says "Jesus has returned and he has phoned you"
"well thats great news" says the pope "now whats the bad news?"
"he's calling from Mecca"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on June 10, 2005, 02:53:12 AM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Playing Trains.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now i want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but i want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasent one."
She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasent and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on June 10, 2005, 03:00:35 AM
Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.
a. Innovative
b. Preliminary
c. Proliferation
d. Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when your drunk
a. Specificity
b. British Constitution
c. Passive - aggressive disorder
d. Transubstantiate

Things that are down right IMPOSSIBLE to say when your drunk.
a. Thanks, but i don't want to sleep with you
b. Nope, no more booze for me
c. Sorry, but your not really my type
d. No kebab for me, thank you
e. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f. I'm not interested in fighting with you
g. Oh, i just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
h. Thank you, but i won't make any attempt to dance, i have zero co - ordination.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: alex on June 10, 2005, 06:47:03 AM
Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly.
"My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!"
The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable.
The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!"
Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!"
The couple fidgeted.
The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!"
The Muslim couple glanced over their shoulders, noticeably irritated.
The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!"

At this, the Muslim man turned around. "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on June 30, 2005, 11:12:48 AM
If you love something...Set it free!
If it comes back...It will always be yours!
If it doesn't come back...It was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, watches youR tv, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise you set it free....
...THEN YOU EITHER MARRIED IT OR GAVE BIRTH TO IT!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on June 30, 2005, 01:30:57 PM
LOL!!   [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on July 01, 2005, 12:40:35 AM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Ras Saadon on July 01, 2005, 06:39:57 AM
Speedy BLING and Whine, you guys are great!!
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: monacleman101 on July 01, 2005, 07:24:00 AM
erm... as of now i cant think of any jokes.  [smiley=undecided.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Rastadog on July 06, 2005, 04:49:42 AM
     !!!I LOVE THIS JOKE BUT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST LAWYERS!!! [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

     Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?      
spacer
      

   Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

   The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

   The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

   The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

   The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

   The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.

   The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable". [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 06, 2005, 08:24:27 AM
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt, when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky - faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up, "and i've just buried him."
The neighbour laughed condescendingly, "Thats a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "Thats because he's inside your damn cat."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 06, 2005, 08:27:45 AM
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband replied. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 08, 2005, 12:03:43 PM
Rasta Loan Application
 
   
PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name - Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari

Age - I man noh count birtday

Date of Birth - Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings deh man

Address - Uppa di Hills a Wesmorlan

Tel. No. - I man Doan participate ina di Bablyon system

Marital Status & No. of Children - I an I hav nuff comman law wif an 21 likkle soljas a run bout roun di island

Occupation: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi Kitchen winda

Company Name - I man noh kip company yuh noh seeit

Present Position - Mi like di Lizzad lap positian .. but mi open to any adda position, yuh noh seet

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

Average Monthly Income - Depends pan di season and di demans fi di weed .. some time bizniss slow an ting

Credit Reference - More Fyah! I man noh deal wid credit .. strickly up front dallas a do it

Unsecured Overdraft Limit - Chat English .. a wha di Bloodbaught dat?

Secured Overdraft Limit - Mi sey yuh fi chat English!!

Personal Loan Amount - Tony owe mi bout 40 gran .. a gwine buss im bloodKlaat when a buck im up

Monthly Payment - Ask Tony cause a monts now mi noh si nat a cent fram im

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Yuh def? Mi seh Tony noh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding

Mortgage Loan Amount - Mi noh pay margage fi mi zinc shed .. is I man build dat

Monthly Payment- Yuh com back a ask di same foolishness?

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Is wha do dis ooman dowe eeh? MI SEY TONY NOH PAY MI YET!!

This is interview is over .. Application for Loan Denied

GOH WEH!!! unu hypocrite an Sadomite unu!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 08, 2005, 12:05:37 PM
Question: What best describes the principle of globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: Why?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend  crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine,driven by a Belgian who was
high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese
motorcycles, treated by an American  doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And
this is sent to  you by a Jamaican, using Bill Gates' technology which  he
stole from the Japanese.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 08, 2005, 12:12:10 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the  Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 08, 2005, 12:24:26 PM
Jamaicans in Heaven

>Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
>said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we
>didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action
>plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But
>they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates
>by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
>through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
>Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
>sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to watch
>the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women.
>
>They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their
>white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
>Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
>Angels must have two wings to fly! some of them have put chrome wings and
>are dazzling the other angels when they are flying. The white robes are
>eternal and
>must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
>arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some
>have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
>clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used
>salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
>wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
>
>Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their halos
>with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
>halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are " bashy"
>
>Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing white
>shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
>to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
>night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s.
>
>Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during
>prayers.
>
>Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
>claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana
>in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and
>man haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be
>fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here
>as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them;
>maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who
>has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The Devil
>answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?"
>
>The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
>about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold.
>"The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
>said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
>like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused
>himself
>and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
>
>Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
>sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
>Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put
>in. Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe
>'chill'

[smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 08, 2005, 12:25:44 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Love it!!!!!!!!!!!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 08, 2005, 12:55:14 PM
This is kinda funny if you know bout it, but in some ways not really, but if anything it makes you think bout life as it was......

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 60'S, 70'S, 80'S...

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go - carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X - Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms......WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The junior football teams had practice games and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with the disappointment. Imagine That!!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk - takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
AND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while your at it, foward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 08, 2005, 01:56:13 PM
PERFECT MAN

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[smiley=kiss.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: EmpressCarla on July 08, 2005, 02:27:18 PM
LOL! Good one, Murungu!

Be blessed.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on July 11, 2005, 07:49:58 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Lol they are brilliant keep them comin...the law ones were great!

Amish
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:41:39 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=cool.gif] I'm back in black and with more jokes for my people. So here goes!

Future Handicapping  

 George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:44:13 PM
 [smiley=shocked.gif] [smiley=tongue.gif] Sorry bout dis one but I-man jus dat crazy enough fi put it out deh!!

The Simple Joke...  

 Two men are walking down the street...
I forget the punch-line, but your mother's a whore.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:45:24 PM
Enjoy mi breden and sistren!

Osama in the Holy Land  

 Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:46:31 PM
Here's another bad one!!

Yo Mama's Like a Brick  

 Yo mama is like a brick -- she is always getting laid.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:47:50 PM
 Yu're So Dumb  

 Yu're so dumb, yu bought a solar powered flash light!    

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:49:17 PM
Dubya, Cheney & Jumbo  

 George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!"
Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:50:12 PM
Mouth Organ  

 What is Bill Clinton's favorite instrument?

The WhoreMonica!  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:51:46 PM
Yu're So Fat  

 Yu're so fat, yu step on a dollar and make four quarters.  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:53:39 PM
 New Yorker  

 A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 12, 2005, 01:56:10 PM
Last one for the day. Enjoy!!  [smiley=cool.gif]

Ice Fishing  

 Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand.
"You've got to keep your worms warm."  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on July 12, 2005, 03:19:20 PM
 [smiley=shocked.gif] Yukk!!!

[smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 13, 2005, 09:09:52 PM
Bush, Einstein and Picasso  

 When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

[smiley=cool.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 13, 2005, 09:19:16 PM
Braggadocio  

 Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.

"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at a dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"

"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now he owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"

"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now he practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."

"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."

[smiley=tongue.gif] [smiley=shocked.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 14, 2005, 03:22:22 AM
Just received this via e mail yesterday. Thought it was funny so thought i'd share.

Hello, my name is Jason and i suffer from the guilt of not fowarding 50 billion $%^*(# chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a braest on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" e mail, $1000?
How stupid are we?
"Ooooh, looky here! If i scroll down this page and make a wish, i'll get laid by a model i just happen to run into the next day!"
What a bunch of bull$^*t.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
If you're going to foward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being."
I don't care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending these fowards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter thats threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in another country with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll recieve if you foward this e mail.
Now foward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.

P.S Send me 15 bucks.

This was sent to me by someone else but i can understand where this guy is coming from!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 14, 2005, 04:26:20 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Wahine yu always manage fi mek yur bredren laugh. Here two for the day. ENJOY!!  [smiley=cool.gif]

An Atheist and a Bear  

 An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 14, 2005, 04:27:15 PM
Knock knock... Midget  

 Knock, knock?
"Who's there?"

A midget who couldn't reach the doorbell!

[smiley=tongue.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on July 15, 2005, 11:57:39 PM
Wahine, love the one about the children of the 60's, 70's, and 80's
Were u there when I was a kid.
We never claimed to be bored, we made our fun.
And if we got hurt you put a bandaid on it and went back out.
We definately learned to take care of ourselves and are better for it.
I still don't wear a seat belt often enough.

Oh and speedy bling You got some great stuff there.
Saying grace befor dinner.  TOOO funny!


Jah bless
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on July 16, 2005, 09:07:38 AM
Funny Insult

Your mums so fat that she wear the equator for a belt!  [smiley=smiley.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 17, 2005, 05:52:04 AM
I was there msgal. 70's child i am!!! But i always wear my seat belt.
Speedy Bling... Love ya jokes (well most of them anyway) sometimes they are icky!!
I know that these ones might offend but i just couldn't resist sharing them!!!

Why do female black widow spiders kill after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just stands there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two if you slice them very thinly.

Whats the quickest way to a mans heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What makes a man think of a candle lit dinner?
A power failure.

And finally.......

What should give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soory, No Offence intended! Sistrens will prob appreciate this.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 17, 2005, 06:04:22 AM
How to avoid the flu.
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of friuts and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least one hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc...
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lot's of fresh air. Open windows when ever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress as you can.

                              OR
Take the doctors approach.
Think about it.....................
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why?

Because alcohol kills germs.

So.......................................

I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors in the bar patio (fresh air)
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Eliminate stress)
Then pass out (rest)

The way i see it..............................
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!

My grandmother always said "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on July 17, 2005, 04:48:57 PM
LOL OMG girl I'm on the floor laughing my butt off.
Yah toooo funny. I LUV them.

My stress relief for the day
thanx
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on July 19, 2005, 06:23:53 AM
Only a man....

This morning on the M25, i looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes Sports doing 85mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when i looked back she was half way over in my lane, still working on that make up.
As a man i don't scare easily. But she scared so much, i dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocks my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned big john and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody woman drivers.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 21, 2005, 04:42:47 PM
 There is a Navy guy and a Marine...  

 There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."
The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on July 21, 2005, 04:44:51 PM
 Don't Step Out of the Car  

 A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on August 12, 2005, 08:12:26 AM
The Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10  million bucks you embezzeled from me?" The attorney, using sign sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin's backyard in Queen's!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on August 12, 2005, 08:19:48 AM
The Pension

Uncle Sam went to the Social Security Office to apply for the Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers licence to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later." he said.
The woman said: "Unbutton your shirt." So he opoened his shirt revealing the curly silver hair on his chest.
She said: "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Age Pension application.
When he returned home, he told his wife about his experience at the office.
She said: "You should have dropped your pants. You would have got the Disability Pension too."


Oops naughty joke! Sorry!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: fyah_tafari on August 15, 2005, 08:13:12 PM
pretty good haha
but true sadly a lot of thoughs people are dis honist
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 16, 2005, 02:33:09 PM
 The Call of Nature  

 One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 16, 2005, 02:34:09 PM
The Law of the Jungle  

 Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''
 

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 16, 2005, 02:34:48 PM
Gay Picnic  

 Q: How do you know you're at a gay picnic?
A: If the hotdogs have fudge on them

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 16, 2005, 02:36:08 PM
Honda    

 A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"

"No," the guy says. "My farts do."

So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.

After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."

The guy says, "Why a dentist?"

The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."

The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"

The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
 

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: SmG on August 17, 2005, 06:53:18 PM
haha! Funny! Lawyers fool you

Jah Love
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Positive_I-rations on August 18, 2005, 02:53:46 PM
Hahaha  [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on August 21, 2005, 04:58:06 AM
college humor  [smiley=laugh.gif]

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1599866/    [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Ras Saadon on August 21, 2005, 12:11:16 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
he is sooooo stupid !! lol  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on August 30, 2005, 02:14:48 PM
Three men were lost in the Forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the men that they could live if they passed a trial. the first step of the trial  was to go into the forest  with the cannibals to get 10 pieces of fruit. So they went separate ways  to gather some.
The 1st man came back with 10 apples.
The king then xplained the 2nd step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his a++ without any xpression on his face. The 1st apple went in, but when he tried the 2nd, he winced , so he was killed and went to ´heaven´.
The 2nd man arrived with 10 berries. when the king xplained the trial to him, he secretly thought that it would be easy.On the 9th berry, he burst out in laughter and was also killed and went to ´heaven´.
the first guy asked him "why did you laugh? You almost  got away with it."
the 2nd man replied, " I know, but I couldnt help it. i was doin´just greatwhen all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 30, 2005, 02:25:37 PM
Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life  

THE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes off.''
THE DENTIST because he says ''open wide.''
THE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN because he says ''do you want it in the back or in the front?''
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says''once it's in you'll love it.''
THE BANKER because he says ''if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."    
THE POLICE OFFICER because he says "assume the position."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on August 30, 2005, 02:37:56 PM
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting  at a cafe, the little old man says, "remember the first time I met you over 50 yrs ago? we went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."
"Why,yes,  I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well for old times sake,lets go there again and I´ll give you one from behind."
The 2 pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.
Sure enough , he sees them near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady s hips. the little old lady reaches for the fence. well, what follows is 40mins of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. the lil old man is banging away at a pace that can only be described as  phenomenal. Limbs are flyin everywhere, the movement is  a blur  and they dont stop for a  single sec.  finally they collapse and dont move for an hour.

By the time the pensioners recover and dress themselves, the young man plucks the courage to approach them.
He says, " sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particuarly at your age. what´s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 yrs ago?
The old man replied, "son, 50  yrs ago, that f**king fence wasn´t  electrified."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on August 30, 2005, 02:47:48 PM
 Brutus' Last Stand  

 A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?
The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"
"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.
"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy. "It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.
"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief, "No dog could beat my Brutus.
"It's true, my Gunther killed him."
"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"
"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.
"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."
"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks like he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on August 31, 2005, 05:46:39 PM
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor,"i've never felt better. i have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child what do u think about that?" the doctor considered the question for am minute and then said,"i have an elderly freind who is a hunter and never misses a season.one day when he was goin out in a bit of a hurry he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.when he got to the creek,he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream.he raised his umbrella and went bang,bang and the rabbit fell dead. what do u think of that? the 90-year-old man said i'd say somebody else killed that rabbit. the doctor replied my point exactly.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 01, 2005, 01:39:23 AM
Good one ToshIte.

Smoking at Gas Station  

 This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught on fire.

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Rasta Nick on September 07, 2005, 11:59:38 AM
Apologies if anybody finds this in bad taste .... it's only humour .... that is unless you happen to be a fanatical bible bashing christian who believes that is their god given right to preach on this site, because if that is a description of you I would take the banner below to heart  [smiley=wink.gif] [smiley=grin.gif]
(http://forums.rasta-man.co.uk/pics/jly.jpg)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 07, 2005, 11:47:21 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] I wouldn't smite dat one Nick!

Shaky Arms Hotel  

 A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.  Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.  The manager says he'll be right up.  The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.   Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: dadrakerman on September 08, 2005, 02:36:31 AM
How many flys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but I'll be damned to know how they got in there.

How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nobody knows, they all scatter when the light comes on.

How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1, they climb the ladder, hold the bulb, and the world revolves around them.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 08, 2005, 05:05:04 PM
A: Doctor doctor. I've just swallowed a roll of film
Doctor: Well let's just hope nothing develops.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on September 09, 2005, 11:25:36 AM
Wife Cheating


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch any activities that might
develop.
A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.

NO FEE.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on September 09, 2005, 11:26:24 AM
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on September 09, 2005, 11:27:52 AM
A Young Jamaican Yute

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help.

He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh muddah if she would sleep with Beres "Hammond fi one million dollar. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then go ask yuh brudah if he would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then come back and tell me what yu fine out."

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a m illion dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid de amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".

Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out! Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Murungu on September 09, 2005, 11:34:32 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"


Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 09, 2005, 11:09:04 PM
Making a Confession  

 A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 09, 2005, 11:09:37 PM
Discontinued Jelly Bean Flavors  

 1. Gangrene 2. New Car 3. Burn Victim 4. Dimetapp 5. Sand 6. Taxi 7. Grandma 8. WD-40 9. Substitute Teacher 10 Cigarette    

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 09, 2005, 11:10:50 PM
Mopeds and Fat Ladies  

 What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?

They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.    

Yo Mama's So Ugly  

 Yo' mama so ugly, she scares blind kids away
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 09, 2005, 11:12:14 PM
Return the Dog  

 Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on September 09, 2005, 11:34:32 PM
did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

        he got alittle behind in his work
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on September 09, 2005, 11:57:35 PM
Quote
Apologies if anybody finds this in bad taste .... it's only humour .... that is unless you happen to be a fanatical bible bashing christian who believes that is their god given right to preach on this site, because if that is a description of you I would take the banner below to heart  [smiley=wink.gif] [smiley=grin.gif]
(http://forums.rasta-man.co.uk/pics/jly.jpg)












































































Good One, Rasta Nick-- among other things it REminds me of pat robber tson. [smiley=shocked.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 13, 2005, 02:51:42 PM
Parker's Valet Service
Minor dents and scratches are the responsibility of the customer.

Max Reps Gym
We guarantee at least 3 mirrors at every machine.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on September 23, 2005, 08:08:52 AM
Jim & Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool & stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out & brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna & said "I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can i go home?"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: african_herbsman on September 25, 2005, 02:21:42 PM
Irie Jokes man

one day a guys lookin for his socks and he finds a box under his bed
it contains 3eggs and £12500.
Later on he askes his wife about it and she tells him:
everytime we make love and its a little less than perfect i put an egg in the box
ahh 3 times in 12 years not bad
so he asks about the money and she say:
evertime i get 6eggs i sell them
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 27, 2005, 01:29:14 PM
Lemon Luxury Auto Sales
If it won't start, there's a good chance that we sold it.

Bubba's Secret  

 A bunch of guys are sitting at the local bar. They get pretty drunk, and the topic turns to Bubba at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest dick in town. One of the guys gets enough courage to go up to Bubba and ask him why he's got the biggest schlong around.
“Well,” says Bubba, “every night before bed, I tug on my dick and tap it on the bedpost three times.”
“That's it?” asks the drunk.
“Yup,” says Bubba.
So the guy goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times. Suddenly his wife wakes up and says, “Bubba, is that you?”  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on September 27, 2005, 01:31:48 PM
Here's a sticky one!  [smiley=tongue.gif]

Yo' Mama So Stank  

 Yo' mama so stank, even the couch gets up when she sits down!  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: EmpressCarla on October 19, 2005, 10:24:20 PM
Blessings

I thought this was funny...

Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they're not prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you
since you was a pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family.You tell too much lie, you cheat pan your wife, you chat people and red-eye behind dem back. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never be more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know you alright!!"

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a lickle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good fe nothing, him bigoted, and him always a gwan like him white. Him cyant build a normal relationship with nobody. Fe him law practice a di wos ina Jamaica. He cheat, him teef, noting no deh devious what him nuh do. A three different woman me hear seh him ave and one of dem a you missis! Yes sah, me know him well." The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.

The judge ordered both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows me, me lock up uno RAASS in a jail fi contempt!."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 20, 2005, 12:09:04 AM
 Louisiana Tourist Attraction  

 Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 20, 2005, 12:21:43 AM
Obviously Nuts  

 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.

The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on October 22, 2005, 01:19:41 AM
Can't remember if i've posted this one before or not....

Why do women like shagging men who have been circumcised?......
Cause women can't resist something with 10% off!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on October 22, 2005, 01:23:13 AM
Excuse the cus words....
Man cooks deer for dinner but won't tell the kids what it is.
He gave them a clue, "it's what mum calls dad sometimes" little girl cries "don't eat it! It's a F***in arsehole!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: haftrini on October 24, 2005, 07:43:37 PM
Quote
(http://forums.rasta-man.co.uk/pics/jly.jpg)


LOL.... [smiley=laugh.gif].... One of my favorites has always been:

(http://www.stickergiant.com/Merchant2/imgs/250/y4617.gif)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: missmissytaj on October 24, 2005, 08:21:44 PM
theres dis guy an em throwin a party but em say u hafta cum dress as a emotion in order fi u ta get inna di place. so di first guy em cum an em dressed all in blue, an di guy em ask "why u cum dressed inna all blue?" so the guy em say"mi cum dressed inna blue b cause mi is blue wit sadness." so he get inna di place. den the next guy em cum dressed inna all green, an the guy em ask"why u cum dressed inna all green?" the guy em say"im green wit envy" so den em get inna di place. now a next guy em cum an em butt-nekkid wit a hard on an a tire round em penis so the guy em ask "wat kind of emotion u ta be?" an the guy em say"cyan u see I'M FUKKIN DIS SPARE" [smiley=wink.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: missmissytaj on October 24, 2005, 08:28:53 PM
theres two gal dem an one is a brown hair gal an di odda one she a blonde hair gal. dem both inna di elevator when a guy em get on an em have bad dandruff. when dis guy get off di elevator di brown hair gal turn ta di blonde hair gal an she say"did u see dat guy? sum one should give em sum HEAD & SHOULDERS" an di blonde hair gal say" mi kno how ta give HEAD, but how do u give SHOULDERS?" [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on October 26, 2005, 07:32:17 PM
I have one!


A man walks into a bar and says 2 the barman:will you give e a free drink if i show you something amazing?
THe bar man says:ok.
So the man reaches into his bag and puts a small man on the counter, the man then plays a miniture piano.
The barman says thats amazing how did u do that?
The man takes out a lamp and says rubb this and whish!
So the barman rubs it and suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. The barman says: what!!!!???? i wished for a hundred  BUCKS not a hundred ducks!!!!!!
THe man said do you think i whished for a twelve inch pianist?????


lmao  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Princess_Tah-Jah on October 26, 2005, 09:23:53 PM
Amish dat was a good one!!! Mi still a laughin [smiley=laugh.gif]

one

missmissytaj
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on October 27, 2005, 09:05:40 PM
lmao thnx! But i have 2 own up i nicked it from my maths teacher!  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on October 30, 2005, 11:32:34 AM
I thought this was pretty good!

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that
he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a
white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen
sir....when I was born I was BLACK," "When I grew up I was
BLACK," "When I'm sick I'm BLACK," "When I go in the sun I'm
BLACK," "When I'm cold I'm BLACK," "When I die I'll be BLACK."
"But you sir." "When you were born you're pink," "When you grow
up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green," "When you go
in the sun you turn
red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn
purple." "And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on October 30, 2005, 01:47:14 PM



So True!  

I like it girl
[smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=cool.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 31, 2005, 09:36:29 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Wahine, Missmissytaj, and Amish!! Yu guys have made my day. I have some jokes for yu. HERE GOES!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! [smiley=cool.gif]


Little Johnny's Halloween  

 Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 31, 2005, 09:37:14 PM
Ex-Lax, Don't Do It  

 Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 31, 2005, 09:39:57 PM
Millionaire's Party Guest  

 A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday.
During the party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “The man who dares to swim across that pool gets any of my riches he desires.”

The party continues with no one in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man swimming as hard as he can. The fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and yet this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him but somehow this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, “I am a man of his word. Anything of mine I will give. My Ferrari's, my house, absolutely anything. For you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir, what will it be?”

The guy grabs the mic and says, “Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!”

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on October 31, 2005, 10:03:18 PM
lmao i think iv heard that one before but still v funny!!!  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on November 02, 2005, 01:08:51 AM
Speedy BLING Ex-Lax, Don't Do It  

 Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
I'm sure it's mutual, but it definately gave me a good laugh.
I've definately known a few men who made laxatives totally unnecessary.
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Jah bless

One love
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on November 04, 2005, 04:33:44 PM
http://bellaciao.org/en/IMG/jpg/bushpope.jpg   [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on November 04, 2005, 07:10:14 PM
lmao tht was really funny! [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: SeekingRastafari on November 07, 2005, 09:19:41 PM
i gotta little joke

there were three men flying into new york jfk airport
it was a trinidadian man, a jamaicanman and a guyanese
they all reach the customs with their documents
the trinidadian man gets his bags checked everything is fine goes through with no problem and the officer tells him to have a good day
the guyanese gets his bags checked and the officer looks at his papers and say ok have a nice day
the yard man goes and get his bags checked  and the officer takes a look at his papers and says hold on theirs a problem i cant let you through the gate your gonna go back home. the jamaican asks why and he tells him your watch is a citizen and your not .
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on November 14, 2005, 02:25:29 PM
Ok heres another good one i nicked from my maths teacher! lol

A lady goes to a doctor and says can you help me im quite old and i've never kissed a guy never held a guys hand etc...

The doctor says sorry i can't help but ill give you the adress of a man who can!

So she goes to the adress and goes down a dark ally and knoks on the door! It opens:
CREEEEEEEEEEAK!
There is a small chinese man standing before her he says: aaaaaaaaaaaaah cum iiiiiiiiiiiin!

And so she goes in and he says : aaaaaaaaaaaaah tell me wat ur proboleeeem isssssssssss?

So she explains agian!

He says: aaaaaaaaaaaaah take off all your cloths!

She does.

Aaaaaaaah tun to the leeeeeeeeeeeeeeft. Tun to the riiiiiiight!
Aaaaaaaah i see wat ur proboleeem issssss!
YOu have exactlythesamedesease!

She says: oh no what is it??? is it serouse???!!!!

He says: you rrrrrr face is exactlyyyy the saaame as you rrrr baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!


Sorry i think its better if you hear it though word of mouth! Then you can here the voice! lol I tryed my best!

[smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: black_leperchaun on November 14, 2005, 04:43:18 PM
That is a good one.  I couldn't agree more! [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 17, 2005, 04:45:39 PM
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the receptionist was an unfriendly woman with the disposition of a rabid pit bull. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 17, 2005, 04:50:09 PM
Womans revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet i noticed a remote control for a tv set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your tv remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so i figured this was the most legal evil thing i could do to him."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 17, 2005, 05:00:02 PM
The Cat

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife does'nt want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good - bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry i took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck. Then i had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But i worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out in the backyard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: M-Dub on November 17, 2005, 07:09:03 PM
A man goes into the produce section in a supermarket and asks the employee working for a half a head of lettuce. The employee goes into the back and yells out "Hey Jim, some asshole out here wants half a head of lettuce". The employee then turns around to see the customer standing right behind him. He quickly recovers and says "And this fine gentleman will take the other half". The supermarket owner sees this and says to the employee "You know, you're quick on your feet, I like that. I'm opening up a store in Chicago, I'd like you to go there and manage it." The employee then says "Chicago? Why the hell would I want to go to Chicago? All they have there are whores and hockey players." The store owner then says "Oh really? My wife lives in Chicago." the employee says "Oh? And what team does she play for?".
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Amish2 on November 17, 2005, 07:38:25 PM
lmao they'r really gud!

wahine is that one bout the woman true???

heres one

a man sits down in the bar next 2 his friend and says:

Ive got some pills that improve your memory!

his mate says:

do they work?

he says:

I dunno i keep forgettin to take them!


[smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 18, 2005, 05:51:18 AM
Amish...It could very well be true!
Anyways heres a couple more i thought were quite good!

Justified manslaughter.

One night an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92 if he could have sex.....He could fly!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 18, 2005, 06:02:07 AM
Day in court

Defence Attorney: Please state your age?

Little old lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little old lady: There i was sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old lady: No, i didn't stop him.

Defence attorney: Why not?

Little old lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defence attorney: What happened next?

Little old lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence attorney: Did you stop him then?

Defence attorney: Why not?

Little old lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I have'nt felt that good in years!

Defence attorney: What happened next?

Little old lady: Well, by then, i was feeling really spicy that i just laid down and told him "take me young. Take me!"

Defence attorney: Did he take you?

Little old lady: Hell no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when i shot the little bastard!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on November 19, 2005, 12:34:16 AM
Wahine have you ever thought about telling jokes on stage.
I laughted so hard i almost fell off my chair with the one about the couple with the cat.

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
ooops,  bang

[smiley=lipsrsealed.gif]


[smiley=wink.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:42:30 AM
One day, I brought my "2005" attire to the drycleaners; As you are aware, it consist of the caftan, the trouser and the overall. "You have one pant, one shirt and ....." said the white girl at the shop as she hoped in vain that I would tell her the english word for the last piece. In desperation, she spurted out "AND ONE PARACHUTE"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:45:46 AM

The husband was coming into the bathroom for a shower just as his wife was getting out, clad only in bath towel.  At that time, the doorbell rang.


The wife hurriedly went downstairs and opened the door.  It was their neighbor, Billy.


Billy said, "I'll give you 800 dollars if you'll just drop the towel.


The woman hesitated, but a moment later, she dropped the towel, exposing her naked body to Billy.  True to his word, he groped for his wallet, handed her 800 dollars, and walked on home.


The husband has just come out from the bathroom.  He asked the wife who was at the door.  She told him it was Billy, the neighbor.


"Ah, very good!" said the husband.  "Did he mention the 800 dollars he owes me?  He's supposed to pay me today!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:48:38 AM
  my dad said that if adam n eve were chinese, the
snake would not have deceived them  to eat the apple because
they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:50:43 AM
A fully booked plane was in the middle of its flight when the captain announced over the public address system:



“Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking.  The aircraft seems to be overloaded.  If we don’t get rid of some of the weight on the plane, we will have to crash land.  So this is to inform you that all baggage is to be thrown out of the plane”
Later, the captain announces:
“Attention passengers, it seems the aircraft is still too heavy.  We are going to have to throw people off the plane.  Since we know there won’t be any volunteers, the only fair thing to do is to go by nationalities in alphabetical order.”
“OK – Letter A – will all of the African-Americans move toward the exit sign.”
No one moved.
“ Letter B – will all of the Blacks move toward the exit sign.”
Still, no one moved.
“ Letter C – will all of the Coloreds please move toward the exit sign.”
Yet again, no one budged.
A little girl nudged her mother and said, “But, Mom, I thought we were Nigerians.”
The mother said, “No baby. Not today.  Today, we are going to be Zulus”

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:52:43 AM
Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" > Dad answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via e-mail, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the control/alt/delete, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "You've Got Male!

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: toshIte on November 19, 2005, 08:58:35 AM
Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a Nigerian,were talking and bragging about the technological advances their representative countries have achieved in the field of medicine. Says the American, "In Washington,there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him.And now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that." The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is 3 times marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!" The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abuja, we have a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president. Certainly, the American & German Scientists need to do more work to keep the pace!!!with My Own Country.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 20, 2005, 04:11:55 AM
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
While on the ooperating table  she had a near death experience.
Seeing Gad she asked "Is my time up?"
God said "No, you still have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She evn had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God she demanded "I thought you said i had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 22, 2005, 05:53:07 AM
The human brain is a most outstanding thing....
It functions 24 hours a day and 365 days of the year....
It fuctions right from the time you are born.......Until you fall in love.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on November 22, 2005, 06:01:50 AM
A man was walking down the road when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If i give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, i had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No i don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything i can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would i get for 10 lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well", said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, i'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know i'm dirty, and i probably smell disgusting."
The man replied "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on November 23, 2005, 05:04:49 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Wahine and ToshIte, yu guys are the best! Here's a few jokes I was saving. ENJOY! [smiley=cool.gif]


Elevator Scene  

 A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on November 23, 2005, 05:06:31 PM
 The Vacuum Business Sucks  

 One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in a new neighborhood. The salesman goes and knocks on a door. A mean looking woman answers but the salesman decided to go ahead and try to sell her a vacuum.
Before she can say a word, the man walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. Then he says, ''Ma'am, just to show you how good my vacuum works, if it can not pick up every last piece of these cow patties I will eat them.''

The woman smiles and asks, ''You want ketchup with that?''

The salesman not understanding inquires, ''Why do you ask?''

The woman replies after wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, ''Well we just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on November 23, 2005, 05:12:05 PM
 A Little Help From the Shakes  

 There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he had a girlfriend, Edna, who was 80 years old. They only saw each other on Saturdays. He would go to Edna''s house every Saturday, without fail. They would sit down next to each other and Edna would hold Ian''s penis, then Ian would go home after so long.
One week Ian never turned up, but Edna thought nothing of it. Three more weeks went by, and again Ian never turned up. By this time Edna was very concerned about him. She phoned him up and asked, "Where have you been the last four Saturdays?"

Ian replied, "I have been round at Margret''s house."

Shocked Edna shouted, "MARGRET? She is 98 years old, what the hell has she got that I haven''t?"
Ian answered, "Parkinson''s desease!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on November 23, 2005, 05:14:02 PM
Female Hormones in Beer  

 Two men were in a pub.
One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"

The other man said, "No! Is it true?"

"Yes," said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Soul-Jah on November 23, 2005, 05:23:18 PM
a rastaman went to visit an old family friend

de rastaman knock on de door and somebody inside say:

"who is it"
de rastaman replied "is i and i, chile of haile selassie i, jah
rastafari, king of kings, lord of lord: conquering lion of the
tribe
of judah, "

the person inside replied:
"is me alone in here and meh house small so ah cyar open de door
fuh so much ah allyuh!!!"

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: nattydreadman on November 24, 2005, 08:09:09 PM
One guy goes round to his friends house.

he knocks on the door and his blonde wife answers wearing only a robe.

"oh hi, is tony in?" asks the man

"no he just went out to get some groceries" she replies.

"well do you mind if i come in and wait?

"no, sure, come in"

They go and sit in the kitchen and after abit of small talk the man says, "You know, you have a pair of the best breasts i've ever seen. I'd give you £100 to see just one."

The woman is unsure, but she says hey it's £100 so she gets out one of her breasts.

true to his word the man places £100 upon the table and after a short awkward silence he says, ".....I must see the other one. for another £100 to see them both at the same time."

So after short deliberation, she takes out both of her breasts and lets him look for a few seconds before putting her robe back on.

"Right," he said standing up, "i must be off" and he drpos the £100 on the table and walks out of the house quickly, before the woman can say anything.

soon after her husband returns, the woman says to him "you know your wierd friend jeff came over today." and he says
" oh yeah did he drop off that £200 he owes me?"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on November 28, 2005, 10:55:27 PM
 Serenity Under Pressure  

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: EmpressCarla on November 30, 2005, 05:20:35 PM
WHEN WILL THE BLACK MAN BE ACCEPTED AT FACE VALUE?

A BLACK MAN WALKS INTO A PRESTIGIOUS PRIVATE BANK IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN AND ASKS FOR THE LOAN OFFICER WHO POLITELY TRIES TO DIRECT HIM TO A MORE COMMERCIAL ESTABLISHMENT.

THE BLACK MAN SAYS HE'S GOING TO EUROPE ON BUSINESS FOR TWO WEEKS AND NEEDS TO BORROW $5,000.

THE LOAN OFFICER SAYS THE BANK WILL NEED SOME KIND OF SECURITY FOR THE LOAN, SO THE BLACK MAN HANDS OVER THE KEYS TO A NEW ROLLS ROYCE.

THE CAR IS PARKED ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BANK. HE HAS ALL THE PAPERS INCLUDING THE TITLE AND EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT. THE BANK AGREES TO ACCEPT THE CAR AS COLLATERAL FOR THE LOAN.

AN EMPLOYEE OF THE BANK THEN PROCEEDS TO DRIVE THE ROLLS INTO THE BANK'S UNDERGROUND GARAGE AND PARKS IT THERE. THE NEWS QUICKLY SPREADS THROUGHOUT THE BANK AND OVER LUNCH, THE BANK'S PRESIDENT AND ITS OFFICERS ALL ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH AT THE DUMB "--IGGER'S" EXPENSE FOR USING A $250,000 ROLLS AS COLLATERAL AGAINST A $5,000 LOAN!

TWO WEEKS LATER, THE BLACK MAN RETURNS, REPAYS THE $5,000 AND THE INTEREST, WHICH COMES TO $20.41. THE LOAN OFFICER SAYS, "SIR, WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE HAD YOUR BUSINESS, AND THIS TRANSACTION HAS WORKED OUT VERY NICELY, BUT WE ARE A LITTLE PUZZLED.

WHILE YOU WERE AWAY, WE CHECKED YOU OUT AND FOUND THAT YOU ARE A MULTIMILLIONAIRE.  WHAT PUZZLES US IS; WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO BORROW $5,000?"  

THE BLACK MAN SMILED AND THEN REPLIED; "WHERE ELSE IN NEW YORK CITY CAN I PARK MY CAR FOR TWO WEEKS FOR ONLY $20.41 AND EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I RETURN?".

YES, THIS IS A VERY SMART BLACK MAN.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on December 02, 2005, 05:05:31 AM
"Lord, it is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and i am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain." reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced" as she put it.

"That is a fair point", replied God. "But it was my first shot at this you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so i figured that you only needed half of these, but i see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Well Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic", she replied. "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought about this for a moment and said, "You know, Eve you are right. How could i have overlooked this? You do need a mate and i will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, lets see....where did i put that useless tit?"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on December 12, 2005, 04:40:51 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," said Saint Peter "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"you may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said "they're bells".
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's knickers. Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked "And just how do those symbolise Christmas?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 13, 2005, 11:58:24 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Wahine yu ah de best, sistren!

Now what yu want is more jokes. So what yu get is more jokes. Sit back and enjoy!!  [smiley=cool.gif]

Viagra  

 A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardened criminals.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 13, 2005, 11:58:58 PM
Belly buttons  

 Q: Why did God give women belly buttons? A: For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.    

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 14, 2005, 12:01:43 AM
 Rooster in His Declining Years  

 An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 14, 2005, 12:06:46 AM
80-Pounder  

 Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!  


Man's Best Friend  

 Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”  
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 14, 2005, 12:07:41 AM
 Bill and Hillary  

 Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."    

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 14, 2005, 12:10:24 AM
 [smiley=cool.gif] I gotta go but here two more!

Elephant Encounter  

 Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.    


 Bad Food  

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 


Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on December 14, 2005, 04:59:20 AM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

I especially liked that last one!!!! I would have to agree with that!!!!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on December 16, 2005, 03:41:22 AM
Ok, i know this one is diving really below the belt but it was just to funny not to share! (Please men don't take offense) [smiley=smiley.gif]

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:

10" - 12".................................................................$30.00
8"  - 10"..................................................................$25.00
5"  - 8"....................................................................$15.00
4"  - 5"....................................................................$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR EXTENSIONS.

Sincerely IRS

****NOTE****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

Are there penalties for early withdrawls?
What if one's penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
Is there an additional tax if you are not circumised?
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on December 22, 2005, 12:11:04 AM
 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Lord have mercy on yu! That one had me rollin'. Here's another one.  [smiley=cool.gif]


Biting  

 A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on December 31, 2005, 03:14:17 AM
The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went tothe front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.......

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: rasta_dattha on January 04, 2006, 11:31:33 PM
what is greater than JAH, more wicked than the devil, dead people eat it,and if you eat it too, you will surely die.??????    ANSWER.      ......."NOTHING "  .........  , NOTHING IS GREATER THAN JAH, NOTHING IS MORE WICKEDER  THAN THE DEVIL, DEAD PEOPLE DON'T EAT, AND YOU CANNOT EAT   NOTHING.          [smiley=laugh.gif]                                          
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on January 08, 2006, 05:27:55 AM

banned by the feds:


http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2667824?htv=12&htv=12
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on February 26, 2006, 07:18:53 PM
osamas latest message:http://www.brokennewz.com/reports/myspacebinladen.html
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on March 02, 2006, 10:27:27 PM
Nasty one comin' at yu! Don't seh mi nah warn yu!  [smiley=tongue.gif]

Doorprize  

 Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor.

''Why, it's a toilet brush.''

''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Mojojojo on March 07, 2006, 03:04:15 AM
okay this one is racist but im not so...

"what do you get when you mix a mexican and a octopus, i dont know but it would make one hell of a berry picker!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on March 11, 2006, 11:27:31 PM
Sorry all wombmen but i did get a giggle out of this one! [smiley=grin.gif]

Recently a "Husband Superstore" opened where woman could go to choose a husband from among many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to the leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These man have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "well, thats better than not having a job or not loving kids, but i wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor: The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"hmmm," said the ladies, "But, i wonder what's further up?"

Third floor: This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so up they went.

Fourth floor: This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor: The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 10, 2006, 03:37:50 AM
Just had to share this one!

"Hello, is this the Sheriffs office?"
"Yes. What can i do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call sir."

The next day, the Sheriffs Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find on marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey Virgil, this here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Molliebaz on April 10, 2006, 11:27:08 AM
> Crossing the river
>
> One day, Three Men were Hiking and unexpectedly came upon
> a Large Raging, Violent River. They needed to get to the other
> side, but had no idea of how to do so.
>
> The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me
> the strength to cross this river."
>
> Poof! God gave him Big Arms and Strong Legs, and he was
> able to swim across the River in about Two Hours, after almost
> drowning a couple of times.
>
> Seeing this, the Second Man Prayed to God, saying,
> Please God, give me the Strength..and the Tools to cross
> this river."
>
> Poof! God gave him a Rowboat and he was able to Row
> across the River in about an Hour, after almost Capsizing
> the Boat a couple of times.
>
> The Third Man had seen how this worked out for the
> other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
> give me the Strength and the tools...and the Intelligence...
> to Cross this River."
>
> And poof! God turned him into a woman. She Looked at the
> Map, Hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked
> across the bridge.  [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Krisb on April 10, 2006, 03:41:54 PM
BlessingsFamily,

There was a black man, a white man, a Native American man, and a Latino
>man.  All four of them were on top of a cliff discussing the difficulties
>that their people had gone through.  The Native American said, "My people
>have suffered the most, and in Honor of what they have endured, I will
>fling myself off this cliff in hopes that my blood will change things."  So
>he yelled, "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE," and jumped off the cliff. 
>
>The Latino not wanting to be out done quickly looked at the other two and
>followed suit yelling "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE," and jumped off the cliff
>as well.  The black man was touched by this and decided it was his turn,
>so he yelled, "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE," and pushed the white man off the
>cliff!!!!!!!

It's all in fun,hope no-one's offended.
-kris
>
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Ganja on April 14, 2006, 12:43:08 PM
 A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Herbalist_rasta on April 30, 2006, 07:23:28 AM
Christian Baptism
In the middle of the baptism
The Priest said " the head of the baby is so soft"
The Beautiful Mother said " Oh Father, thats my breast"
LOL

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: prophet777 on October 23, 2006, 02:04:08 PM
Hope this one hasn't been told yet :

Bush dies and is sent to hell. Awaiting him is the devil : "Well Bush, we have a problem. Our vacancies are full so you will have to choose a room and exchange with someone."

The devil leads him to a set of doors. Bush opens the first and peeks inside. Roasting on a grill, in the middle of the room, is Hitler. He quickly closes the door, "No not that one."

He opens the second door. In the middle of the room is Mussolini in a bath tub full faeces/crap. He quickly closes the door again, "No not that one either."

He opens the third door. In the middle of the room is Bill Clinton and Monica is giving him a bl*wj*b.

"Yeah I guess this will be it, " he says to the devil with a grin on his face.

The devil, "Okay Monica, u can go now."

One Love
Prophet7
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Muslim on October 23, 2006, 11:42:27 PM
Haha "claps"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: surfmon_I on October 24, 2006, 12:20:22 AM
 [smiley=grin.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 24, 2006, 01:15:48 AM
Yo Prophet!  [smiley=laugh.gif] Mi luv dat joke. Even though I'm not at my best right now, that doesn't mean that I don't have any jokes for yu all. Here's one to prove it!  [smiley=cool.gif]



New Priest In Town

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: RasLuke on October 25, 2006, 04:38:46 PM
Greetings,

I have one but might be offensive to the poster Muslim and I would wish not to cause him offence, if he says its ok I will post it, its more taking the pee out of a place in Ireland(that scumhole of a capital Dublin)

JAH Guide and Protector
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: prophet777 on October 25, 2006, 05:40:07 PM
Hehehe..nice one Speedy. Here's another :

A farmer bouhgt him a female pig. In a couple of months the pig was on heat but, he didn't have a male pig to do the job. However his neighbour, who lived 50 kilometres away, had one and, for the fee of 100 dollars, he could bring his pig over.

Early the next morning he woke up, put his pig in the wheelbarrow and walked over.
After the pigs did their thing he loaded his pig back in the 'barrow and settled the cost.

Before the farmer left,however, he said, "One more question. How do I know if it worked ? "

"Well, after u bring her home this evening," his neighbour answered, "when u wake up the next morning, check to see what she is doing. If she's rolling in the mud, nothing. But if she's eating grass then it worked. Besides that, the next time is for free."

The farmer, satisfied with the answer, pushed his pig back home.

Early the next morning he awoke, walked over to the bedroom window, and looked out to see what his pig was doing. There she was rolling in the mud.

"Damn, now I got to walk her all the way back there again !"
So he loaded his pig on the wheelbarrow and went through the same procedure again.

In the morning he awoke and ran over to the window. There she was rolling in the mud.

"Damn and this time I got pay again !" He loaded his pig on the barrow and walked over to his neighbour and ,later, back home again, a 100 dollars lighter.

The next morning, tired from walking his pig up and down, he lay in bed and asked his wife, "Could u please look out the window and tell me if u can see that pig ?"

She walked over, "Yepp, I see her."

"Is she rolling in the mud ?" he asked.

"No."

The farmer got excited, "Is she eating grass !?"

"Nope."

"Well, what the hell is she doing ?"

"She's sitting in the wheelbarrow waiting for you."

One Love
Prophet7
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Love_Sponge on October 28, 2006, 08:24:24 PM
Hee hee Nice one [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

One Love Prophet 777
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Lynne on October 30, 2006, 09:12:32 PM
 [smiley=laugh.gif]
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on October 31, 2006, 08:25:05 PM
Good one Prophet. I've heard sopin similar but it have a different punchline. [smiley=cool.gif]


Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on November 03, 2006, 04:39:09 PM
Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee !   [smiley=laugh.gif]
OMG guys you had me laughing out loud
Those last couple jokes are hilarious.
Good job
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: prophet777 on November 03, 2006, 07:38:59 PM
Question : Whats the difference between Märklin (the expensive electro toy trains) and a wombans breast (hope it is okay for I to write this word like this ?) ?

Answer : It is made for the small but, the big ones play with it.

One Love
prophet7
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: natty_or_knatz on November 21, 2006, 03:19:05 AM
 
Goodbye Daddy :o :'(
  
    
  
One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:
"Jah bless mommy, Jah bless daddy, Jah bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked.
"Mi noh know, " the little girl said.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"Jah bless Mommy, Jah bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!

Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "Jah bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in
the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha happen?"
"Mi no waan talk 'bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day a mi life."
"Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed.
"You'll neva believe wha happen. Dis mahnin, Desmond next door, drap dead pan de varandah."


**I&I hope u enjoy it** tell meh how u lik it frum 1-10~~~ 1
 
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on January 01, 2007, 03:11:19 AM
hope this doesn't offend to much. was sent to me by a friend living at a Ramakrishna monastery



There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was  Black:
  1. He called everyone brother.
  2.  He liked Gospel.
  3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

  But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus  was Jewish:
  1. He went into His Father's business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was  sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He
    was  God.

  But then there were 3 equally good  arguments that Jesus was Italian:
  1. He talked with His  hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3.  He used olive oil.

  But then there were 3 equally  good arguments that Jesus was a  
Californian:
  1. He never cut His hair.
  2. He walked around  barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

  ; But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus  was an
American Indian:
  1. He was at peace  with nature.
  2. He ate a lot of fish.
  3.  He talked about the Great Spirit.

  But then there  were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
  1. He  never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

  But the  most compelling evidence of all:  3 proofs that Jesus was a
  woman:
  1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when  there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get the message  across to a bunch of men, who
  just didn't get it.
  3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there  was
  work to do.

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: prophet777 on January 01, 2007, 03:27:05 AM
NICE. I have something to say about it but I will not. If no-one know it (i.e., what I could say), either they will learn it or not. NICE.

prophet7
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: msgal on January 03, 2007, 06:18:19 PM
Definately a woman,   ;D

I know I've done all 3 repeatedly

Loved it, not offended  8-)

bless
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on January 31, 2007, 03:58:30 AM
The Navajo


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.His son translated for the NASA people:  "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"  

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing  for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment  the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.  

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one,  a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.   The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate  what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.    So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message  to the moon.
  
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
 
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.  THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 01, 2007, 12:28:37 AM
Sticky sticky sticky!  :P

Six Shots of Jagermeister!?

A young man sits down at a bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.

"Six shots!?" says the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 01, 2007, 12:34:52 AM
Three Types of Sex

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.


The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.


The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''


But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 04, 2007, 07:41:02 PM
Toothbrush Salesman

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like shit.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 04, 2007, 07:48:09 PM
Be careful weh unu wish fah! Yu hear mi?!   8-)

      The Old Lady's Three Wishes

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother appeared to grant her three wishes.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asked.

The little old lady said, "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

"And, for your second wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

The little old lady said, "Well, like everyone else, I wish I were young and attractive."

POOF! The little old lady was now a beautiful young woman.

"And, for your third and final wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

Now the beautiful young woman was trying to come up with her last wish when Burt, her tomcat, walked across the porch in front of her.

"Oh!" she said. "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

POOF! Suddenly, before her very eyes, was the most handsome young prince she had ever seen.

He smiled at her with a manliness that made her knees weak. Her heartbeat quickened, as lust coursed through her every fiber. The handsome young prince slowly approached her and whispered softly in her ear: "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered..."
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: BLING_BLAOH on February 04, 2007, 07:52:22 PM
      In-law vs Outlaw

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.


Osama Doesn't Get Any      
       

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: natty_or_knatz on February 19, 2007, 10:28:26 PM
 Jamaican Patois Vs. American English

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you boy
JAM: Bwoi yuh noh dead yet?

USA: Lord, we have lost electricity again
JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid

USA: This meal is not too bad.
JAM: Di food can eat

USA: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis

USA: Can i have a piece of cake?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss come aff a di house tap before a buss yuh rassklaat!

USA: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu
JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up suzie!

USA: Oh My God, I just broke my mom's expensive plate.
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry

USA: aren't those pants a bit short
JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long
JAM: But wait... no Robot naah run todey!

USA: Get me a pop please
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan Aerated wata fi mi deh

USA: It's time for a Perm
JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough like mi foot battom?

USA: Yuck!! This is nasty.
JAM: Kiss mi back foot!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid.

USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.

USA: Girl, your acne is terrible.
JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.

USA: Please make some room in the bus so this man can sit.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA: I have a stomach ache
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi

USA: These mangoes look a bit over ripe
JAM: Missis move fram in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh

USA: He has very large full eyes
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA: He has no manners
JAM: Im dont have no broughtupsi!

USA: perspiration odour
JAM: him smell green

USA: poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: dat deh sinting nuh start cook yet

USA: oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeee

USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit disorder
JAM: Di pickeny too dam hard ears!

USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia
JAM: What a bway Dunce sah!

USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismal ... my stomach hurts
JAM: Lawd mi coulda do wid a wash out yah now .. mi belly bine up

USA: That man over there is missing his dentures
JAM: Cooh pan dat deh mashmout bredda ova deh soh

USA: OH my your feet are so ashy...
JAM: yuh foot tuff like aligata back ... yuh couldn't rub likkle cocanat ile pon yuh foot dem ...
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: RAS_CHUCKY11 on March 02, 2007, 07:34:42 PM
Greetings

I an I found this and had to laugh


There's a Rastaman, a white man and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other on a train, with the girl being in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
 
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap!
 
As the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman looks perplexed while the Rastaman is sitting there looking angrily at the white man who is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
 
Everybody else in the coach is laughing at him.
 
The white man is thinking to himself, "darn it, that black guy must have tried to kiss the girl in the dark and she thought it was me and slapped me." The girl is thinking, "That man must have tried to take advantage of me in the dark, and kissed the Rastaman instead and got slapped. Serves him right."
 
Meanwhile, the Rastaman is thinking, "I-man hope dis train go though another tunnel soon so I-man can kiss the back of mi hand again and box dat bloodclaat white bwoy one more time. 
   
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: rasfreeform on March 03, 2007, 09:00:38 PM
...a visual one...
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: bluerasta on March 14, 2007, 05:17:46 PM
TWO SNOWMEN IN A FIELD
ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER
CAN YOU SMELL CARROTS :D
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Speedy Usher on April 24, 2007, 07:59:38 PM
Yard Work Sign Language
 
  A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower.  Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it.  He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. 
So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions.  ("I need the rake. ") She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, and then rubbing her crotch.  The man is confused and runs upstairs. 

"What the hell did that mean?"

"I left it behind the bush. "
 
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on April 25, 2007, 01:34:29 AM
 :D :D :D :D ;D

Ha ha ha ha! LMAO as usual!!!!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: NyaInIJahLove on April 25, 2007, 01:44:42 AM
LOL
mi too!
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Speedy Usher on April 28, 2007, 03:57:06 AM
 
  7 Wise Men   
 
  7 wise men with minds divine,
created a pussy to their design. 
1st was the butcher, smart with wit,
with his knife he created a slit. 

2nd was the carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he made a hole. 

3rd was the tailor, tall and thin,
with red velvet he lined within. 

4th was the hunter, short and stout,
with a fox skin he lined without. 

5th was the fisherman, mean as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell. 

6th was the preacher whose name was MaGee,
he touched, blessed it, and said it could pee. 

7th was the biker, a real little runt,
he fucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT. 
 
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Wahine on May 10, 2007, 05:25:32 AM
Whats the difference between a Bachelor and a married man?

A bachelor comes home, looks at whats in the fridge and goes to bed.

A married man comes home looks at whats in the bed and goes to the fridge.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on May 13, 2007, 06:15:44 PM



   Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his
friend dead. Wife says, "Keep that up and you'll lose ALL your
friends."

********************************************************************

Small Boy writes to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother."

Santa writes back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER!"
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: MaoriLion on July 21, 2007, 05:43:29 PM
2 panda girls r having a little chat and 1 panda says 2 the other:

"are you still going out with your boyfriend?"

and the other panda replies:

"no, we broke up, he just eats shoots and leaves."

nudge nudge ;)
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on October 07, 2008, 02:58:51 AM
(http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s187/paco7777/gorilla.jpg)
Posted on: March 04, 2008, 08:08:08 AM
for those in the usa
         
            http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/vp-debate-open-palin-biden/727421/
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: natty threads on October 08, 2008, 01:08:28 AM
Okay. So God says to Adam I can make the perfect wife for you. She'll treat you well, never argue, and do everything you say, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.

Adam says "What can I get for one rib?"

****************************************************

Scientists claim to have discovered the secret of creating life.

"WE don't need God anymore," they say. "We can make people ourselves."

Then they demonstrate, one picks up a handful of dirt and

God says

"No!"

"What's that?"

"MAKE YOUR OWN DIRT."

*******************************************

Usama Bin Laden dies and goes to Heaven.

He runs into George Washington.
BOOM, GW punches him in the nose and lays him out flat.

Say what?

He comes across Thomas Jefferson, who punches him in the nose and lays him out flat.

Argh.

So Usama finds Saint Peter and lodges a notice of dissatisfaction.

"I keep getting punched in the nose.
This isn't right.
Where are my 72 virgins?"

Saint Peter says "Oh. You must have misunderstood. That's 72 Virginians."

Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: paco on January 29, 2009, 04:00:26 AM
Be Strong

 A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
 He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds
 a young couple in bed.

 He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while
 tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While
 he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at
 his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and
 hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
 neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
 complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
 how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
 dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
 honey. I love you."

 To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my
 neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
 thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
 I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
 you too!!"
Posted on: November 19, 2008, 08:00:56 PM

                     A Very Short Story…

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, B I T C H!
Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought for the Day: If only men would listen.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Speedy Usher on June 02, 2009, 09:59:09 AM
WOW!! Ah good jokes mi hear!!

The Difference Between Men And Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Betzer on November 17, 2009, 04:08:28 AM
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d what is a million years to you?"
And G-d said, " A minute.
Then the man asked, "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
And G-d said, "A penny. "
Then the man asked, "G-d . . .  can I have a penny?"
And G-d said, "Sure . . .  in a minute. "

Shalom Aleychem
Betzer
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Oskar on July 25, 2010, 12:15:20 PM
"war don't decide who is right, only who is left"
-unknown
Title: Re: JOKES!!
Post by: Yusuf Mohammed on May 02, 2011, 07:47:42 PM
Here is a joke  ;D


There’s a man who has such big feet that when it rains, he lies down and uses them as umbrellas.