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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 66092 times)

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staci

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JOKES!!
« on: June 25, 2004, 09:01:32 PM »

Does anyone here know any good jokes? ;D

I will start with a small silly one.

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and skiing?

skipper


:-/ [smiley=laugh.gif]

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staci

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2004, 09:02:24 PM »

that is supposed to be "water skiing".

man i have add bad. ;D
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lilrasi_I

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2004, 07:11:23 PM »

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

-brought to you by Mitch Hedburg
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ponder

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2004, 08:33:46 PM »

LOL those were good man. thanx fer the laugh
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rasbongo

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2004, 10:57:28 AM »

story about the baby mouse and baby cat.

they play together all the time but their moms didnt know they were playmates.

when the cats mom found out she told her baby dont you know we eat them as meal, next time you guys are playing catch her and bring her so we can have her for dinner.

at the same time the mouses mom also warned her that cats are their enemies and that they eat them.

then when the cat encountered the mouse she tried to play but the mouse wont have none of it, so the cat asked why she dont want to play anymore.. the mouse said in reply

my mom told me, what your mom told you.

small joke i use to love when i was a lad, hope u all enjoy.
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Rebenga

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2004, 03:27:09 PM »

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?




...................


Christopher Walken! ;)
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lilrasi_I

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2004, 02:35:12 AM »

It's that time again! [smiley=laugh.gif]

My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...

...Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-Brought to you by Mitch Hedburg
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RasLionheart

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2004, 09:55:29 AM »

Mango Tree Stoning: Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?" "True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh." The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down. "It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten." They then began to stone the mango tree again.




One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard.
Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to de pool.
Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up.
Him call for silence and says "OK, the first person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody nuh move. Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and she "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di rashole boombooclat who push me inna di pool."




A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Last one is one to remember...some signs we just don't see...zeen!

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Amandel

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2004, 12:53:08 PM »

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRUIT AND WOOD...

A young boy asks his father, 'Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?'
Surprised, the father answers, 'Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of
breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'

Misgana,
Empress_ez
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Amandel

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2004, 12:55:31 PM »

Sorry here's the rest of it........

'Onions, Dad?'
'Yeah, you see them and they make you cry....'
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, 'Mom, how many kind of penises are there?' The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, 'Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration...'

Misgana,
Empress_ez
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Iziondawta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2004, 05:22:17 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif]


How does a crazy person walk through the woods?
 They take the Psycho-path!

How do you get holy water?
 Boil the hell out of it!

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
 DAM!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
 Polaroids!

What do prisoners use to call each other?
 Cell Phones!

What do the letter DNA stand for?
 National Dyslexics Association

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
 A stick!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
 NACHO cheese!

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
 Quatro Cinco

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
 Anyone can roast beef!

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
 Right where you left him!



and finally...
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Iziondawta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2004, 05:29:39 PM »

(I am an avid rider - and heard this one out on the trail!)

 This blonde woman decided to try horseback riding, even though she had never done it before, and was rather scared.  She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action!  It gallops along at a steady, rhytmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle!  In terror, she grabs for the horses mane, but just cannot get a firm grip!  She tries throwing her arms around the horses neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway!  The horse just gallops along, seemingly oblivious to the peril of the slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety, but her foot got caught in the stirrup!  She is now at the mercy of the punding hooves of the horse, and is screaming in terror as her head hits the ground again and again!  As the ride from hell continues, her head is battered against the ground, and she is just mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune......


The Walmart Manager sees her, and pulls the plug on the horse. [smiley=laugh.gif]
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Iziondawta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2004, 05:35:18 PM »

One day a man was passing by a farm, and saw the most BEAUTIFUL horse he had ever laid eyes on!  Hoping to buy this great beast, he said to the farmer, I think your horse looks pretty good, and I'm prepared to give you $500 right now for him!

"He don't look so good, and he ain't fer sale!" said the farmer

The man insisted, and upped the price to $1,000!

"He don't look so good," said the farmer, "but if ye want him that bad, he's yours!"

The next day, the man came back, raging mad!  "YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE!  I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

The farmer calmly replied, " I told ye he didn't looks o good, didn't I?"

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Amandel

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2004, 05:46:00 PM »

Bless Iziondawta

that last joke still have me laughing , that was a  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]good one


Misgana,
Empress_ez
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Rebenga

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2004, 09:53:24 PM »

What is England's oldest Rock Group?






Stonehenge! ;)
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