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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 76718 times)

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #105 on: May 12, 2005, 04:07:52 PM »

These are good Whitechick. Here's some more.


Lonely Fishermen  

What do you call a lonely fisherman?
A Master-Baiter.

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #106 on: May 12, 2005, 04:09:20 PM »

Your Butt So Big  

Your butt so big, that when you were born, the doctor said "Congratulations! Twins!"  
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #107 on: May 12, 2005, 04:13:04 PM »

The Leper  

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the side of the bar. He orders a shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and says, ''I'm sorry if my appearance is making you feel ill.'' The man replies, ''No, it's not you, it's the man sitting next to you dipping his chip in your neck.''  
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jahbless

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #108 on: May 12, 2005, 04:29:02 PM »

YUCK
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white_rasta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #109 on: May 12, 2005, 07:45:00 PM »

a snail  goes up to some guys door and asks for some money the guy picks up the snail and throws him and says "get outa here"  5 years later   the guy hears a knock at his door   opens it    and the snail says   "what was that all about"
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #110 on: May 12, 2005, 08:17:44 PM »

What's for Dinner?  

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #111 on: May 13, 2005, 01:53:07 AM »

Oh Speedy sometimes.... [smiley=laugh.gif]I wonder where you get these from. Especially the leper one!

WORDS WOMEN USE.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an arguement whenthey are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something", and you should be on your toes. Arguements that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THATS OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "Thats okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Pass this on to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #112 on: May 13, 2005, 02:09:57 AM »

Don't know if you have Mastercard ads on the box but anyway.....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothes in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, i left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling."
Love Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, i have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, "OH THAT!...Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, i'm married!"

Broken coffee table $39.99

Hot breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $0.38

Saying the right thing at the right time...Priceless!!!
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steven

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #113 on: May 13, 2005, 04:37:02 AM »

such funny jokes thanks for the great laughs.  there just what i needed

ONE love Jah Bless
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #114 on: May 16, 2005, 08:50:06 AM »

Heres a few there not that great but here we go...

PE TEACHER: Why didn't you stop that ball?
GOALIE: Thats whatthe nets for, isn't it?

DOCTOR: THe best time to take a bath is befor retiring.
MR POWEL: So i don't have to take another one before im 65?!

SAHRAH: Would you punish a pupil for somthing she hadn't done?
TEAHER: Of course not.
SAHRAH: Good 'cos i haven't done my homework.

DAD: i don't like this photo of me it doesn't do me justice.
MUM: it's not justice you want it's mercey!

CHEMIST: Certainley sir we do make life sized enlargements of photographs.
MAN: Good heres a photo of bucking ham palace!

Thats all for now will get more soon!
Amish
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #115 on: May 16, 2005, 04:29:44 PM »

That is so true Whitechick.
Those were very good Amish. Here's some more.

Long Live the Pope  

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

« Last Edit: May 16, 2005, 04:30:42 PM by BLING_BLAOH »
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #116 on: May 16, 2005, 04:31:48 PM »

Blonde Coffee Drinker  

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #117 on: May 16, 2005, 04:39:51 PM »

Now! What you want? One more. One more!

Sperm Counting  

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.

And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."

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jahbless

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #118 on: May 16, 2005, 04:53:43 PM »

ive heard this one before..but in de version i heard it went 'fisrt she tried with her hand, then with her teeth in, then with her teeth out.."
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #119 on: May 16, 2005, 10:36:27 PM »

Folks they're ALL good, but sistren whitechick. Oh girl em LUV them.
[smiley=laugh.gif]

bless
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Jah bless. I and I love you all.
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