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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 76190 times)

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #120 on: May 17, 2005, 07:54:38 AM »

Thanks  Speedy. I needed cheering up today. [smiley=smiley.gif]
Just a quick one for ya...

THE MEANING OF LIFE...
If a man says something in the woods, and there is no woman around to hear it....is he still wrong?
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #121 on: May 18, 2005, 04:24:29 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif]

God's Speed of Service  

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about one penny.'' Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ''Oh, about a second.'' Then the man asked. ''Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?'' God replied, ''Sure, just wait a sec.''  
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #122 on: June 04, 2005, 11:42:28 AM »

New one, probably will cause offence. lol.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can't put your fingers between his neck and the rope.
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #123 on: June 04, 2005, 11:46:52 AM »

One more sick one i got from somewhere.....

Ass icons....

(_!_) Small ass
(__!__) Fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) sore ass
(_E=mc2_) Smart ass
(_2+2=5_) dumb ass
(_x_) Kiss my ass.
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newrasta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #124 on: June 05, 2005, 09:52:13 PM »

Greetings!

haha, good jokes all. I got one, not sure if it's been used, because I haven't read all of dem. Dis one might offend, sorry if it does.

A farmer had a horse who was very depressed, he wanted so bad to make it happy dat he put an ad in da paper asking for someone to help him cheer up his horse.

A few days later a man showed up offering to cheer up his horse. Da man went to da horse and whipered someting in his ear. Da horse began laughing uncontrollably.

After a few weeks, da horse never stopped laughing, da farmer became worried and put another ad in da paper asking for help.

Da next day da same man came again. He went to da horse and met wit him again. Den da horse began crying and crying and never stopped.

After two more weeks, da farmer called da man to come again. He came.

"First, you made my horse laugh uncontrollably, then you made him cry uncontrollably, what'd you do to him?!" Da farmer said.

"Well, first I told him I had a bigger dick than him. Then, I showed it to him."

Dirty, yes, but it gave I a laugh, first time I heard it. Again, I'm sorry to anyone who it offended.

One Love

Ras Evan
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #125 on: June 06, 2005, 02:47:50 PM »

 Hide the Duke  

 A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #126 on: June 06, 2005, 02:48:24 PM »

 None For You  

 A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #127 on: June 06, 2005, 07:04:37 PM »

The sweedish and the norwegians allways use to make fun of each other. And here is a sweedish joke about norwegians.

Three norwegians are standing on each others shoulders next to a flag-pole. Then a swedish comes passing by. He asks the norwegians what they are doing, and they say to him that they are measuring the flag-pole. Then the sweedish ask them why they don't lay the flag-pole down on the ground to measure it instead. To him that seems much more easy. The norwegians looks at him. "Why should we do that?! We wanna measure the hight, not the lenght!"

Ha, ha! [smiley=grin.gif]
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alex

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #128 on: June 07, 2005, 04:19:22 PM »

if you don't know anything about islam im sure you wont get this but yeah..

The pope is sitting in the Vatican and suddenly a page comes to him and says
"Your Holiness, we have some good news and some bad news"
"start with the good news' says the pope, the page says "Jesus has returned and he has phoned you"
"well thats great news" says the pope "now whats the bad news?"
"he's calling from Mecca"
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #129 on: June 10, 2005, 02:53:12 AM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Playing Trains.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now i want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but i want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasent one."
She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you who are just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasent and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #130 on: June 10, 2005, 03:00:35 AM »

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.
a. Innovative
b. Preliminary
c. Proliferation
d. Cinnamon

Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when your drunk
a. Specificity
b. British Constitution
c. Passive - aggressive disorder
d. Transubstantiate

Things that are down right IMPOSSIBLE to say when your drunk.
a. Thanks, but i don't want to sleep with you
b. Nope, no more booze for me
c. Sorry, but your not really my type
d. No kebab for me, thank you
e. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f. I'm not interested in fighting with you
g. Oh, i just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
h. Thank you, but i won't make any attempt to dance, i have zero co - ordination.
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alex

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #131 on: June 10, 2005, 06:47:03 AM »

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly.
"My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!"
The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable.
The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!"
Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!"
The couple fidgeted.
The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!"
The Muslim couple glanced over their shoulders, noticeably irritated.
The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!"

At this, the Muslim man turned around. "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #132 on: June 30, 2005, 11:12:48 AM »

If you love something...Set it free!
If it comes back...It will always be yours!
If it doesn't come back...It was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, watches youR tv, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise you set it free....
...THEN YOU EITHER MARRIED IT OR GAVE BIRTH TO IT!!!
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #133 on: June 30, 2005, 01:30:57 PM »

LOL!!   [smiley=laugh.gif]
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #134 on: July 01, 2005, 12:40:35 AM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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Jah bless. I and I love you all.
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