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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 76387 times)

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Ras Saadon

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #135 on: July 01, 2005, 06:39:57 AM »

Speedy BLING and Whine, you guys are great!!
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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"No one should question the faith of others, for no human being can judge the ways of God." His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Haile Selassie I.

monacleman101

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #136 on: July 01, 2005, 07:24:00 AM »

erm... as of now i cant think of any jokes.  [smiley=undecided.gif]
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Rastadog

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #137 on: July 06, 2005, 04:49:42 AM »

     !!!I LOVE THIS JOKE BUT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST LAWYERS!!! [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

     Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?      
spacer
      

   Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

   The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians.  When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

   The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants.  When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

   The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians.  When you open them up everything is color coded.

   The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

   The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief.  One of them asked why.

   The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable". [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #138 on: July 06, 2005, 08:24:27 AM »

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt, when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky - faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy, tearfully, without looking up, "and i've just buried him."
The neighbour laughed condescendingly, "Thats a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "Thats because he's inside your damn cat."
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #139 on: July 06, 2005, 08:27:45 AM »

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband replied. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #140 on: July 08, 2005, 12:03:43 PM »

Rasta Loan Application
 
   
PERSONAL INFORMATION

Name - Bobo Dread Amaka Baka Fari

Age - I man noh count birtday

Date of Birth - Mi sey Rasta noh deal wid dem tings deh man

Address - Uppa di Hills a Wesmorlan

Tel. No. - I man Doan participate ina di Bablyon system

Marital Status & No. of Children - I an I hav nuff comman law wif an 21 likkle soljas a run bout roun di island

Occupation: Sell Jelly coknat pan Spanish Town Rd. and weed outta mi Kitchen winda

Company Name - I man noh kip company yuh noh seeit

Present Position - Mi like di Lizzad lap positian .. but mi open to any adda position, yuh noh seet

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

Average Monthly Income - Depends pan di season and di demans fi di weed .. some time bizniss slow an ting

Credit Reference - More Fyah! I man noh deal wid credit .. strickly up front dallas a do it

Unsecured Overdraft Limit - Chat English .. a wha di Bloodbaught dat?

Secured Overdraft Limit - Mi sey yuh fi chat English!!

Personal Loan Amount - Tony owe mi bout 40 gran .. a gwine buss im bloodKlaat when a buck im up

Monthly Payment - Ask Tony cause a monts now mi noh si nat a cent fram im

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Yuh def? Mi seh Tony noh gi mi back mi money so all a it outstanding

Mortgage Loan Amount - Mi noh pay margage fi mi zinc shed .. is I man build dat

Monthly Payment- Yuh com back a ask di same foolishness?

No. of Monthly Payment Outstanding - Is wha do dis ooman dowe eeh? MI SEY TONY NOH PAY MI YET!!

This is interview is over .. Application for Loan Denied

GOH WEH!!! unu hypocrite an Sadomite unu!
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #141 on: July 08, 2005, 12:05:37 PM »

Question: What best describes the principle of globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: Why?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend  crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine,driven by a Belgian who was
high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese
motorcycles, treated by an American  doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And
this is sent to  you by a Jamaican, using Bill Gates' technology which  he
stole from the Japanese.
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #142 on: July 08, 2005, 12:12:10 PM »

These are from a book called Disorder in the  Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #143 on: July 08, 2005, 12:24:26 PM »

Jamaicans in Heaven

>Don't ramp with dem Jamaicans! St. Peter came to the Lord and
>said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we
>didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action
>plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But
>they are causing so many problems! They have torn down the Pearly Gates
>by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin
>through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing
>Angel Gabriel begging for a "bly" for their baby modder, cousin,
>sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie...Whenever it is their turn to watch
>the gates they keep letting in good looking women and fat women.
>
>They have stolen my harp. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their
>white robes. Drum pan chicken is being sold all over the Streets of Gold.
>Some are walking around with only one wing because they are "styling".
>Angels must have two wings to fly! some of them have put chrome wings and
>are dazzling the other angels when they are flying. The white robes are
>eternal and
>must be washed five times a day. Some haven't washed their robes since they
>arrived because they didn't come to heaven do "day's work". Some
>have refused to take their turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven
>clean because "dem ah no helper". Many who came here because they used
>salt are still using it because they don't like "ital" food. Some refuse to
>wear their halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles.
>
>Others are wearing their halos backways. Others are wearing their halos
>with the tags still attached to them. Others have discarded the white
>halos and are wearing gold ones instead they claim these are " bashy"
>
>Most of the women have discarded their white robes and are wearing white
>shorts and "batty riders" claiming that they have pretty skin and want
>to show off their "bandylegs" Reggae music is blasted at all hours of
>night at their "bashments", disturbing all the other resident s.
>
>Their cellular phones are worn on their robes and keeps ringing during
>prayers.
>
>Recently there was an altercation between Adam and one Jamaican who
>claims he was only "checking out" Eve. They have planted marijuana
>in the Garden of Eden since the soil is so fertile claiming "man and
>man haffi hustle". What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be
>fair to not let Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here
>as other nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them;
>maybe we are using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who
>has more experience edaling with them. Let's call the Devil." The Devil
>answered the phone and said,"Hello, Lord. What can I do for you?"
>
>The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to talk to you
>about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to put you on hold.
>"The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the phone and
>said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said, "Well, I would
>like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once again the Devil excused
>himself
>and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone for fifteen minutes.
>
>Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,"Lord, I am really
>sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go. These damn
>Jamaicans down here..... Yesterday they had air conditioning put
>in. Now they have just put out Hell's Fire, saying "man come to Hell fe
>'chill'

[smiley=grin.gif]
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #144 on: July 08, 2005, 12:25:44 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Love it!!!!!!!!!!!

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #145 on: July 08, 2005, 12:55:14 PM »

This is kinda funny if you know bout it, but in some ways not really, but if anything it makes you think bout life as it was......

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 60'S, 70'S, 80'S...

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a ute on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drink with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go - carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X - Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms......WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The junior football teams had practice games and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with the disappointment. Imagine That!!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk - takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
AND YOU ARE ONE OF THEM! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while your at it, foward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
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Murungu

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #146 on: July 08, 2005, 01:56:13 PM »

PERFECT MAN

5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship


1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[smiley=kiss.gif]
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EmpressCarla

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #147 on: July 08, 2005, 02:27:18 PM »

LOL! Good one, Murungu!

Be blessed.
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #148 on: July 11, 2005, 07:49:58 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Lol they are brilliant keep them comin...the law ones were great!

Amish
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #149 on: July 12, 2005, 01:41:39 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=cool.gif] I'm back in black and with more jokes for my people. So here goes!

Future Handicapping  

 George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

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