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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 76349 times)

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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #165 on: July 15, 2005, 11:57:39 PM »

Wahine, love the one about the children of the 60's, 70's, and 80's
Were u there when I was a kid.
We never claimed to be bored, we made our fun.
And if we got hurt you put a bandaid on it and went back out.
We definately learned to take care of ourselves and are better for it.
I still don't wear a seat belt often enough.

Oh and speedy bling You got some great stuff there.
Saying grace befor dinner.  TOOO funny!


Jah bless
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #166 on: July 16, 2005, 09:07:38 AM »

Funny Insult

Your mums so fat that she wear the equator for a belt!  [smiley=smiley.gif]
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #167 on: July 17, 2005, 05:52:04 AM »

I was there msgal. 70's child i am!!! But i always wear my seat belt.
Speedy Bling... Love ya jokes (well most of them anyway) sometimes they are icky!!
I know that these ones might offend but i just couldn't resist sharing them!!!

Why do female black widow spiders kill after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just stands there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two if you slice them very thinly.

Whats the quickest way to a mans heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What makes a man think of a candle lit dinner?
A power failure.

And finally.......

What should give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Soory, No Offence intended! Sistrens will prob appreciate this.

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #168 on: July 17, 2005, 06:04:22 AM »

How to avoid the flu.
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of friuts and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least one hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc...
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lot's of fresh air. Open windows when ever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress as you can.

                              OR
Take the doctors approach.
Think about it.....................
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol.

Why?

Because alcohol kills germs.

So.......................................

I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors in the bar patio (fresh air)
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Eliminate stress)
Then pass out (rest)

The way i see it..............................
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!

My grandmother always said "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #169 on: July 17, 2005, 04:48:57 PM »

LOL OMG girl I'm on the floor laughing my butt off.
Yah toooo funny. I LUV them.

My stress relief for the day
thanx
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #170 on: July 19, 2005, 06:23:53 AM »

Only a man....

This morning on the M25, i looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mercedes Sports doing 85mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when i looked back she was half way over in my lane, still working on that make up.
As a man i don't scare easily. But she scared so much, i dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocks my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned big john and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody woman drivers.
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #171 on: July 21, 2005, 04:42:47 PM »

 There is a Navy guy and a Marine...  

 There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom. The Marine goes to leave without washing up. The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."
The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!!!"

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #172 on: July 21, 2005, 04:44:51 PM »

 Don't Step Out of the Car  

 A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #173 on: August 12, 2005, 08:12:26 AM »

The Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10  million bucks you embezzeled from me?" The attorney, using sign sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin's backyard in Queen's!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers?
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #174 on: August 12, 2005, 08:19:48 AM »

The Pension

Uncle Sam went to the Social Security Office to apply for the Age Pension. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers licence to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later." he said.
The woman said: "Unbutton your shirt." So he opoened his shirt revealing the curly silver hair on his chest.
She said: "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Age Pension application.
When he returned home, he told his wife about his experience at the office.
She said: "You should have dropped your pants. You would have got the Disability Pension too."


Oops naughty joke! Sorry!
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fyah_tafari

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #175 on: August 15, 2005, 08:13:12 PM »

pretty good haha
but true sadly a lot of thoughs people are dis honist
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #176 on: August 16, 2005, 02:33:09 PM »

 The Call of Nature  

 One fine day in the middle of class at school, a girl raised her asking to be excused: “Teacher, can I answer the call of nature?” Knowing what the kid wanted, the teacher said okay. Immediately, the girl ran to the toilet. But, within a minute, she was back. Another girl was shocked by how she could actually take care of business so quickly, and asked how she managed to do it so fact.The girl responded, “It was a prank call.”  
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #177 on: August 16, 2005, 02:34:09 PM »

The Law of the Jungle  

 Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
''Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?''

''I don't have to run faster than that tiger,'' his friend replied. ''I just have to run faster than you.''
 

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #178 on: August 16, 2005, 02:34:48 PM »

Gay Picnic  

 Q: How do you know you're at a gay picnic?
A: If the hotdogs have fudge on them

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #179 on: August 16, 2005, 02:36:08 PM »

Honda    

 A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"

"No," the guy says. "My farts do."

So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.

After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."

The guy says, "Why a dentist?"

The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."

The guy says, "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?"

The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"
 

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