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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 76389 times)

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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #225 on: October 31, 2005, 10:03:18 PM »

lmao i think iv heard that one before but still v funny!!!  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #226 on: November 02, 2005, 01:08:51 AM »

Speedy BLING Ex-Lax, Don't Do It  

 Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
I'm sure it's mutual, but it definately gave me a good laugh.
I've definately known a few men who made laxatives totally unnecessary.
[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

Jah bless

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paco

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #227 on: November 04, 2005, 04:33:44 PM »

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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #228 on: November 04, 2005, 07:10:14 PM »

lmao tht was really funny! [smiley=laugh.gif]
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SeekingRastafari

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #229 on: November 07, 2005, 09:19:41 PM »

i gotta little joke

there were three men flying into new york jfk airport
it was a trinidadian man, a jamaicanman and a guyanese
they all reach the customs with their documents
the trinidadian man gets his bags checked everything is fine goes through with no problem and the officer tells him to have a good day
the guyanese gets his bags checked and the officer looks at his papers and say ok have a nice day
the yard man goes and get his bags checked  and the officer takes a look at his papers and says hold on theirs a problem i cant let you through the gate your gonna go back home. the jamaican asks why and he tells him your watch is a citizen and your not .
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #230 on: November 14, 2005, 02:25:29 PM »

Ok heres another good one i nicked from my maths teacher! lol

A lady goes to a doctor and says can you help me im quite old and i've never kissed a guy never held a guys hand etc...

The doctor says sorry i can't help but ill give you the adress of a man who can!

So she goes to the adress and goes down a dark ally and knoks on the door! It opens:
CREEEEEEEEEEAK!
There is a small chinese man standing before her he says: aaaaaaaaaaaaah cum iiiiiiiiiiiin!

And so she goes in and he says : aaaaaaaaaaaaah tell me wat ur proboleeeem isssssssssss?

So she explains agian!

He says: aaaaaaaaaaaaah take off all your cloths!

She does.

Aaaaaaaah tun to the leeeeeeeeeeeeeeft. Tun to the riiiiiiight!
Aaaaaaaah i see wat ur proboleeem issssss!
YOu have exactlythesamedesease!

She says: oh no what is it??? is it serouse???!!!!

He says: you rrrrrr face is exactlyyyy the saaame as you rrrr baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!


Sorry i think its better if you hear it though word of mouth! Then you can here the voice! lol I tryed my best!

[smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=grin.gif]
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black_leperchaun

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #231 on: November 14, 2005, 04:43:18 PM »

That is a good one.  I couldn't agree more! [smiley=laugh.gif]
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #232 on: November 17, 2005, 04:45:39 PM »

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the receptionist was an unfriendly woman with the disposition of a rabid pit bull. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #233 on: November 17, 2005, 04:50:09 PM »

Womans revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet i noticed a remote control for a tv set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your tv remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so i figured this was the most legal evil thing i could do to him."
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #234 on: November 17, 2005, 05:00:02 PM »

The Cat

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife does'nt want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good - bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry i took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck. Then i had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But i worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out in the backyard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......
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M-Dub

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #235 on: November 17, 2005, 07:09:03 PM »

A man goes into the produce section in a supermarket and asks the employee working for a half a head of lettuce. The employee goes into the back and yells out "Hey Jim, some asshole out here wants half a head of lettuce". The employee then turns around to see the customer standing right behind him. He quickly recovers and says "And this fine gentleman will take the other half". The supermarket owner sees this and says to the employee "You know, you're quick on your feet, I like that. I'm opening up a store in Chicago, I'd like you to go there and manage it." The employee then says "Chicago? Why the hell would I want to go to Chicago? All they have there are whores and hockey players." The store owner then says "Oh really? My wife lives in Chicago." the employee says "Oh? And what team does she play for?".
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #236 on: November 17, 2005, 07:38:25 PM »

lmao they'r really gud!

wahine is that one bout the woman true???

heres one

a man sits down in the bar next 2 his friend and says:

Ive got some pills that improve your memory!

his mate says:

do they work?

he says:

I dunno i keep forgettin to take them!


[smiley=grin.gif]
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #237 on: November 18, 2005, 05:51:18 AM »

Amish...It could very well be true!
Anyways heres a couple more i thought were quite good!

Justified manslaughter.

One night an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honour. I figured that at 92 if he could have sex.....He could fly!"
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #238 on: November 18, 2005, 06:02:07 AM »

Day in court

Defence Attorney: Please state your age?

Little old lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little old lady: There i was sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old lady: No, i didn't stop him.

Defence attorney: Why not?

Little old lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defence attorney: What happened next?

Little old lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence attorney: Did you stop him then?

Defence attorney: Why not?

Little old lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I have'nt felt that good in years!

Defence attorney: What happened next?

Little old lady: Well, by then, i was feeling really spicy that i just laid down and told him "take me young. Take me!"

Defence attorney: Did he take you?

Little old lady: Hell no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when i shot the little bastard!
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #239 on: November 19, 2005, 12:34:16 AM »

Wahine have you ever thought about telling jokes on stage.
I laughted so hard i almost fell off my chair with the one about the couple with the cat.

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
ooops,  bang

[smiley=lipsrsealed.gif]


[smiley=wink.gif]
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Jah bless. I and I love you all.
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