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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 75754 times)

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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #240 on: November 19, 2005, 08:42:30 AM »

One day, I brought my "2005" attire to the drycleaners; As you are aware, it consist of the caftan, the trouser and the overall. "You have one pant, one shirt and ....." said the white girl at the shop as she hoped in vain that I would tell her the english word for the last piece. In desperation, she spurted out "AND ONE PARACHUTE"

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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #241 on: November 19, 2005, 08:45:46 AM »


The husband was coming into the bathroom for a shower just as his wife was getting out, clad only in bath towel.  At that time, the doorbell rang.


The wife hurriedly went downstairs and opened the door.  It was their neighbor, Billy.


Billy said, "I'll give you 800 dollars if you'll just drop the towel.


The woman hesitated, but a moment later, she dropped the towel, exposing her naked body to Billy.  True to his word, he groped for his wallet, handed her 800 dollars, and walked on home.


The husband has just come out from the bathroom.  He asked the wife who was at the door.  She told him it was Billy, the neighbor.


"Ah, very good!" said the husband.  "Did he mention the 800 dollars he owes me?  He's supposed to pay me today!"
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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #242 on: November 19, 2005, 08:48:38 AM »

  my dad said that if adam n eve were chinese, the
snake would not have deceived them  to eat the apple because
they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple
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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #243 on: November 19, 2005, 08:50:43 AM »

A fully booked plane was in the middle of its flight when the captain announced over the public address system:



“Attention passengers, this is your captain speaking.  The aircraft seems to be overloaded.  If we don’t get rid of some of the weight on the plane, we will have to crash land.  So this is to inform you that all baggage is to be thrown out of the plane”
Later, the captain announces:
“Attention passengers, it seems the aircraft is still too heavy.  We are going to have to throw people off the plane.  Since we know there won’t be any volunteers, the only fair thing to do is to go by nationalities in alphabetical order.”
“OK – Letter A – will all of the African-Americans move toward the exit sign.”
No one moved.
“ Letter B – will all of the Blacks move toward the exit sign.”
Still, no one moved.
“ Letter C – will all of the Coloreds please move toward the exit sign.”
Yet again, no one budged.
A little girl nudged her mother and said, “But, Mom, I thought we were Nigerians.”
The mother said, “No baby. Not today.  Today, we are going to be Zulus”

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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #244 on: November 19, 2005, 08:52:43 AM »

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" > Dad answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via e-mail, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the control/alt/delete, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said, "You've Got Male!

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toshIte

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #245 on: November 19, 2005, 08:58:35 AM »

Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a Nigerian,were talking and bragging about the technological advances their representative countries have achieved in the field of medicine. Says the American, "In Washington,there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him.And now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that." The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is 3 times marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!" The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abuja, we have a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president. Certainly, the American & German Scientists need to do more work to keep the pace!!!with My Own Country.

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #246 on: November 20, 2005, 04:11:55 AM »

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
While on the ooperating table  she had a near death experience.
Seeing Gad she asked "Is my time up?"
God said "No, you still have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She evn had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from hospital. While crossing the road on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God she demanded "I thought you said i had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognise you."
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #247 on: November 22, 2005, 05:53:07 AM »

The human brain is a most outstanding thing....
It functions 24 hours a day and 365 days of the year....
It fuctions right from the time you are born.......Until you fall in love.
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #248 on: November 22, 2005, 06:01:50 AM »

A man was walking down the road when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If i give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, i had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No i don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything i can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would i get for 10 lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well", said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, i'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know i'm dirty, and i probably smell disgusting."
The man replied "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #249 on: November 23, 2005, 05:04:49 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
Wahine and ToshIte, yu guys are the best! Here's a few jokes I was saving. ENJOY! [smiley=cool.gif]


Elevator Scene  

 A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #250 on: November 23, 2005, 05:06:31 PM »

 The Vacuum Business Sucks  

 One day a new vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in a new neighborhood. The salesman goes and knocks on a door. A mean looking woman answers but the salesman decided to go ahead and try to sell her a vacuum.
Before she can say a word, the man walks right in and drops cow patties on her floor. Then he says, ''Ma'am, just to show you how good my vacuum works, if it can not pick up every last piece of these cow patties I will eat them.''

The woman smiles and asks, ''You want ketchup with that?''

The salesman not understanding inquires, ''Why do you ask?''

The woman replies after wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes, ''Well we just moved in and haven't got the electricity turned on yet.'''

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #251 on: November 23, 2005, 05:12:05 PM »

 A Little Help From the Shakes  

 There was a 40 year old man called Ian, and he had a girlfriend, Edna, who was 80 years old. They only saw each other on Saturdays. He would go to Edna''s house every Saturday, without fail. They would sit down next to each other and Edna would hold Ian''s penis, then Ian would go home after so long.
One week Ian never turned up, but Edna thought nothing of it. Three more weeks went by, and again Ian never turned up. By this time Edna was very concerned about him. She phoned him up and asked, "Where have you been the last four Saturdays?"

Ian replied, "I have been round at Margret''s house."

Shocked Edna shouted, "MARGRET? She is 98 years old, what the hell has she got that I haven''t?"
Ian answered, "Parkinson''s desease!"

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #252 on: November 23, 2005, 05:14:02 PM »

Female Hormones in Beer  

 Two men were in a pub.
One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"

The other man said, "No! Is it true?"

"Yes," said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly."

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Soul-Jah

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #253 on: November 23, 2005, 05:23:18 PM »

a rastaman went to visit an old family friend

de rastaman knock on de door and somebody inside say:

"who is it"
de rastaman replied "is i and i, chile of haile selassie i, jah
rastafari, king of kings, lord of lord: conquering lion of the
tribe
of judah, "

the person inside replied:
"is me alone in here and meh house small so ah cyar open de door
fuh so much ah allyuh!!!"

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nattydreadman

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #254 on: November 24, 2005, 08:09:09 PM »

One guy goes round to his friends house.

he knocks on the door and his blonde wife answers wearing only a robe.

"oh hi, is tony in?" asks the man

"no he just went out to get some groceries" she replies.

"well do you mind if i come in and wait?

"no, sure, come in"

They go and sit in the kitchen and after abit of small talk the man says, "You know, you have a pair of the best breasts i've ever seen. I'd give you £100 to see just one."

The woman is unsure, but she says hey it's £100 so she gets out one of her breasts.

true to his word the man places £100 upon the table and after a short awkward silence he says, ".....I must see the other one. for another £100 to see them both at the same time."

So after short deliberation, she takes out both of her breasts and lets him look for a few seconds before putting her robe back on.

"Right," he said standing up, "i must be off" and he drpos the £100 on the table and walks out of the house quickly, before the woman can say anything.

soon after her husband returns, the woman says to him "you know your wierd friend jeff came over today." and he says
" oh yeah did he drop off that £200 he owes me?"
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