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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 75765 times)

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #255 on: November 28, 2005, 10:55:27 PM »

 Serenity Under Pressure  

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.  
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EmpressCarla

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #256 on: November 30, 2005, 05:20:35 PM »

WHEN WILL THE BLACK MAN BE ACCEPTED AT FACE VALUE?

A BLACK MAN WALKS INTO A PRESTIGIOUS PRIVATE BANK IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN AND ASKS FOR THE LOAN OFFICER WHO POLITELY TRIES TO DIRECT HIM TO A MORE COMMERCIAL ESTABLISHMENT.

THE BLACK MAN SAYS HE'S GOING TO EUROPE ON BUSINESS FOR TWO WEEKS AND NEEDS TO BORROW $5,000.

THE LOAN OFFICER SAYS THE BANK WILL NEED SOME KIND OF SECURITY FOR THE LOAN, SO THE BLACK MAN HANDS OVER THE KEYS TO A NEW ROLLS ROYCE.

THE CAR IS PARKED ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BANK. HE HAS ALL THE PAPERS INCLUDING THE TITLE AND EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT. THE BANK AGREES TO ACCEPT THE CAR AS COLLATERAL FOR THE LOAN.

AN EMPLOYEE OF THE BANK THEN PROCEEDS TO DRIVE THE ROLLS INTO THE BANK'S UNDERGROUND GARAGE AND PARKS IT THERE. THE NEWS QUICKLY SPREADS THROUGHOUT THE BANK AND OVER LUNCH, THE BANK'S PRESIDENT AND ITS OFFICERS ALL ENJOY A GOOD LAUGH AT THE DUMB "--IGGER'S" EXPENSE FOR USING A $250,000 ROLLS AS COLLATERAL AGAINST A $5,000 LOAN!

TWO WEEKS LATER, THE BLACK MAN RETURNS, REPAYS THE $5,000 AND THE INTEREST, WHICH COMES TO $20.41. THE LOAN OFFICER SAYS, "SIR, WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE HAD YOUR BUSINESS, AND THIS TRANSACTION HAS WORKED OUT VERY NICELY, BUT WE ARE A LITTLE PUZZLED.

WHILE YOU WERE AWAY, WE CHECKED YOU OUT AND FOUND THAT YOU ARE A MULTIMILLIONAIRE.  WHAT PUZZLES US IS; WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO BORROW $5,000?"  

THE BLACK MAN SMILED AND THEN REPLIED; "WHERE ELSE IN NEW YORK CITY CAN I PARK MY CAR FOR TWO WEEKS FOR ONLY $20.41 AND EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I RETURN?".

YES, THIS IS A VERY SMART BLACK MAN.
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #257 on: December 02, 2005, 05:05:31 AM »

"Lord, it is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and i am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain." reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced" as she put it.

"That is a fair point", replied God. "But it was my first shot at this you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so i figured that you only needed half of these, but i see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Well Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic", she replied. "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought about this for a moment and said, "You know, Eve you are right. How could i have overlooked this? You do need a mate and i will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, lets see....where did i put that useless tit?"
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #258 on: December 12, 2005, 04:40:51 AM »

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," said Saint Peter "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.
"you may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said "they're bells".
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's knickers. Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked "And just how do those symbolise Christmas?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #259 on: December 13, 2005, 11:58:24 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Wahine yu ah de best, sistren!

Now what yu want is more jokes. So what yu get is more jokes. Sit back and enjoy!!  [smiley=cool.gif]

Viagra  

 A pharmacy in my home town was robbed yesterday, but all that was stolen was a large bottle of Viagra.... now the police are looking for the hardened criminals.
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #260 on: December 13, 2005, 11:58:58 PM »

Belly buttons  

 Q: Why did God give women belly buttons? A: For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.    

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #261 on: December 14, 2005, 12:01:43 AM »

 Rooster in His Declining Years  

 An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."  
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #262 on: December 14, 2005, 12:06:46 AM »

80-Pounder  

 Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!  


Man's Best Friend  

 Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”  
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #263 on: December 14, 2005, 12:07:41 AM »

 Bill and Hillary  

 Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."    

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #264 on: December 14, 2005, 12:10:24 AM »

 [smiley=cool.gif] I gotta go but here two more!

Elephant Encounter  

 Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.    


 Bad Food  

 A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
 


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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #265 on: December 14, 2005, 04:59:20 AM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

I especially liked that last one!!!! I would have to agree with that!!!!!!
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #266 on: December 16, 2005, 03:41:22 AM »

Ok, i know this one is diving really below the belt but it was just to funny not to share! (Please men don't take offense) [smiley=smiley.gif]

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st 2006 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:

10" - 12".................................................................$30.00
8"  - 10"..................................................................$25.00
5"  - 8"....................................................................$15.00
4"  - 5"....................................................................$3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR EXTENSIONS.

Sincerely IRS

****NOTE****
We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

Are there penalties for early withdrawls?
What if one's penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
Is there an additional tax if you are not circumised?
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #267 on: December 22, 2005, 12:11:04 AM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] Lord have mercy on yu! That one had me rollin'. Here's another one.  [smiley=cool.gif]


Biting  

 A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #268 on: December 31, 2005, 03:14:17 AM »

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went tothe front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.......

It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.
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rasta_dattha

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #269 on: January 04, 2006, 11:31:33 PM »

what is greater than JAH, more wicked than the devil, dead people eat it,and if you eat it too, you will surely die.??????    ANSWER.      ......."NOTHING "  .........  , NOTHING IS GREATER THAN JAH, NOTHING IS MORE WICKEDER  THAN THE DEVIL, DEAD PEOPLE DON'T EAT, AND YOU CANNOT EAT   NOTHING.          [smiley=laugh.gif]                                          
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