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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 75712 times)

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prophet777

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #285 on: October 25, 2006, 05:40:07 PM »

Hehehe..nice one Speedy. Here's another :

A farmer bouhgt him a female pig. In a couple of months the pig was on heat but, he didn't have a male pig to do the job. However his neighbour, who lived 50 kilometres away, had one and, for the fee of 100 dollars, he could bring his pig over.

Early the next morning he woke up, put his pig in the wheelbarrow and walked over.
After the pigs did their thing he loaded his pig back in the 'barrow and settled the cost.

Before the farmer left,however, he said, "One more question. How do I know if it worked ? "

"Well, after u bring her home this evening," his neighbour answered, "when u wake up the next morning, check to see what she is doing. If she's rolling in the mud, nothing. But if she's eating grass then it worked. Besides that, the next time is for free."

The farmer, satisfied with the answer, pushed his pig back home.

Early the next morning he awoke, walked over to the bedroom window, and looked out to see what his pig was doing. There she was rolling in the mud.

"Damn, now I got to walk her all the way back there again !"
So he loaded his pig on the wheelbarrow and went through the same procedure again.

In the morning he awoke and ran over to the window. There she was rolling in the mud.

"Damn and this time I got pay again !" He loaded his pig on the barrow and walked over to his neighbour and ,later, back home again, a 100 dollars lighter.

The next morning, tired from walking his pig up and down, he lay in bed and asked his wife, "Could u please look out the window and tell me if u can see that pig ?"

She walked over, "Yepp, I see her."

"Is she rolling in the mud ?" he asked.

"No."

The farmer got excited, "Is she eating grass !?"

"Nope."

"Well, what the hell is she doing ?"

"She's sitting in the wheelbarrow waiting for you."

One Love
Prophet7
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Love_Sponge

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #286 on: October 28, 2006, 08:24:24 PM »

Hee hee Nice one [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

One Love Prophet 777
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Lynne

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #287 on: October 30, 2006, 09:12:32 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif]
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #288 on: October 31, 2006, 08:25:05 PM »

Good one Prophet. I've heard sopin similar but it have a different punchline. [smiley=cool.gif]


Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #289 on: November 03, 2006, 04:39:09 PM »

Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee !   [smiley=laugh.gif]
OMG guys you had me laughing out loud
Those last couple jokes are hilarious.
Good job
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prophet777

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #290 on: November 03, 2006, 07:38:59 PM »

Question : Whats the difference between Märklin (the expensive electro toy trains) and a wombans breast (hope it is okay for I to write this word like this ?) ?

Answer : It is made for the small but, the big ones play with it.

One Love
prophet7
« Last Edit: November 03, 2006, 08:43:49 PM by prophet777 »
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natty_or_knatz

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #291 on: November 21, 2006, 03:19:05 AM »

 
Goodbye Daddy :o :'(
  
    
  
One night a father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying:
"Jah bless mommy, Jah bless daddy, Jah bless grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
"A why yuh say good-bye Grandpa fa?" the father asked.
"Mi noh know, " the little girl said.

The next day, Grandpa died. The man thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, he put
the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"Jah bless Mommy, Jah bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day, the grandmother died!

Rahtid, thought the man, dis yah pickney can see inna de future. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the man heard her say "Jah bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

The man practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day.He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK He felt safe in
the office, so he stayed until the end of the day, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "Yuh neva come 'ome dis late before, wha happen?"
"Mi no waan talk 'bout it," he said. "Mi jus 'ave de worst day a mi life."
"Yuh tink yuh had a bad day?" the wife exclaimed.
"You'll neva believe wha happen. Dis mahnin, Desmond next door, drap dead pan de varandah."


**I&I hope u enjoy it** tell meh how u lik it frum 1-10~~~ 1
 
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paco

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #292 on: January 01, 2007, 03:11:19 AM »

hope this doesn't offend to much. was sent to me by a friend living at a Ramakrishna monastery



There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was  Black:
  1. He called everyone brother.
  2.  He liked Gospel.
  3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

  But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus  was Jewish:
  1. He went into His Father's business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was  sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He
    was  God.

  But then there were 3 equally good  arguments that Jesus was Italian:
  1. He talked with His  hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3.  He used olive oil.

  But then there were 3 equally  good arguments that Jesus was a  
Californian:
  1. He never cut His hair.
  2. He walked around  barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

  ; But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus  was an
American Indian:
  1. He was at peace  with nature.
  2. He ate a lot of fish.
  3.  He talked about the Great Spirit.

  But then there  were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
  1. He  never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

  But the  most compelling evidence of all:  3 proofs that Jesus was a
  woman:
  1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when  there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get the message  across to a bunch of men, who
  just didn't get it.
  3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there  was
  work to do.

« Last Edit: January 01, 2007, 03:13:10 AM by paco »
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prophet777

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #293 on: January 01, 2007, 03:27:05 AM »

NICE. I have something to say about it but I will not. If no-one know it (i.e., what I could say), either they will learn it or not. NICE.

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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #294 on: January 03, 2007, 06:18:19 PM »

Definately a woman,   ;D

I know I've done all 3 repeatedly

Loved it, not offended  8-)

bless
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paco

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #295 on: January 31, 2007, 03:58:30 AM »

The Navajo


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.His son translated for the NASA people:  "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"  

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing  for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment  the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.  

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one,  a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.   The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate  what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.    So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message  to the moon.
  
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:
 
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES.  THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #296 on: February 01, 2007, 12:28:37 AM »

Sticky sticky sticky!  :P

Six Shots of Jagermeister!?

A young man sits down at a bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.

"Six shots!?" says the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #297 on: February 01, 2007, 12:34:52 AM »

Three Types of Sex

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.


The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.


The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''


But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #298 on: February 04, 2007, 07:41:02 PM »

Toothbrush Salesman

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like shit.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #299 on: February 04, 2007, 07:48:09 PM »

Be careful weh unu wish fah! Yu hear mi?!   8-)

      The Old Lady's Three Wishes

A little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother appeared to grant her three wishes.

"What would you like for your first wish?" the fairy godmother asked.

The little old lady said, "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich."

POOF! Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

"And, for your second wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

The little old lady said, "Well, like everyone else, I wish I were young and attractive."

POOF! The little old lady was now a beautiful young woman.

"And, for your third and final wish?" asked her fairy godmother.

Now the beautiful young woman was trying to come up with her last wish when Burt, her tomcat, walked across the porch in front of her.

"Oh!" she said. "Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?"

POOF! Suddenly, before her very eyes, was the most handsome young prince she had ever seen.

He smiled at her with a manliness that made her knees weak. Her heartbeat quickened, as lust coursed through her every fiber. The handsome young prince slowly approached her and whispered softly in her ear: "Don't you wish you hadn't had me neutered..."
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