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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 66031 times)

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Natty_Fred

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #60 on: April 11, 2005, 05:00:19 PM »

 [smiley=lipsrsealed.gif]
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Cultivation...

Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #61 on: April 11, 2005, 09:40:17 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=cheesy.gif] [smiley=smiley.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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Amish2

  • Guest
Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #62 on: April 21, 2005, 05:24:01 PM »

heres some random funny stuff:

ketchup was ounce sold as medicine!

The shark model in Jaws was names bruce after Steven Speilbergs lawyer!

He Mona Lisa has no eyebrows shaved eybrows were the fad when she was painted!

TRUE funny laws:

In Macomb, Illinois its illegal for a car to impersonate a wolf!

In Rumford Maine it's against the law to bite your landlord!

In San Francisco you can't pick up confetti to throw again!

You can't tie a giraffe to a street lamp or telephone pole in Atlanta!

its agains the law in chigago to eat in a place thats on fire!!!

In Minnesota its agains the law for a CAT to chase a DOG up a telephone pole!

Its illegal to catch fish while on horseback in Washington.D.C

Its illegal to take a lion to the theatre in Maryland!

Its against the law to drive more than 2000 sheep down hollywood boulavard!

Brawley,Calafornia banded snow within the city limits!

InTenesse it's ilegal to drive a car while your asleep!

Its illegal in New Jersey to slurp your soup!

A texas law stats when to trains meet a t arailroad crossing each must come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone!

Its illegal in Conneticut to kiss your wife on Sunnday!

It's against the law in Ketucky to marry the same man four times!

In Marshall town Iowa it's ilegal for a HORSE to eat a firehydrant!

Its against the law in Tennessee to shoot game other whales from a moving car!

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #63 on: April 22, 2005, 04:27:09 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif]  [smiley=grin.gif]
Another gross one for my peeps!

Closer to God  

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] [smiley=cool.gif]
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #64 on: April 22, 2005, 10:49:14 PM »

urgh and  [smiley=laugh.gif]
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #65 on: April 25, 2005, 03:47:20 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] Glad yu thought it was gross and funny Amish!  [smiley=cool.gif]

Really Sick  

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.
The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.

The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.

"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"He needs a pair of your underwear".


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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #66 on: April 25, 2005, 03:50:02 PM »

"Lets do it doggy style."   [smiley=cool.gif] [smiley=cool.gif]

Dog Days  

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #67 on: April 25, 2005, 03:50:54 PM »

Types of People You'd Meet in a Bathroom  

EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not

CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later

INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink

CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor

WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection

FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug

ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants

CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble

TOUGH : Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it

PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand

EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both

DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants

DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away

CONCEITED : Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat

DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants

SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed

[smiley=cool.gif]
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BLING_BLAOH

  • Guest
Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #68 on: April 25, 2005, 06:45:44 PM »

How Dumb Are You?

Let's see how dumb you are with this little test...



1) If it takes twenty minutes to hard-boil one goose egg,
how long will it take to hard-boil four goose eggs?

20 minutes, 4 eggs can be boiled at the same time.



2) Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?


....Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.



3) Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?


.....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.



4) Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?


....No. He must be dead if it is his widow.



5) Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10.
What do you get?


..... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 6.



6) A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
an hour. How long will the pills last?


......One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour
has passed.



7) A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are
left?


..... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
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steven

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #69 on: April 28, 2005, 03:49:55 AM »

theses are good jokes they make mi laugh
« Last Edit: April 28, 2005, 03:52:50 AM by steven »
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msgal

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #70 on: April 28, 2005, 04:26:09 AM »

In a hotel there was a room that had a beautiful, ornate clock.
I was large with mahogany and brass. The center piece was a large gong in the center.
When the man staying in that room had a friend over his friend couldn't help but comment on what a beautiful clock it was.
The man told him it talks as well.
Now his friend is skeptical. How does it talk?
The man goes over and stikes the gong BOONG!
Next thing they hear is
Hey jerk it's 3 AM!  

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Jah bless. I and I love you all.

Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #71 on: April 28, 2005, 08:23:36 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
urgh and  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] (again) Speedy Bling where do u get these from?!!
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BLING_BLAOH

  • Guest
Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #72 on: April 29, 2005, 04:56:11 PM »

 [smiley=wink.gif] Can't tell yu that Amish but here's some more!

Beans & Onions: Delicious  

What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
Tear gas!

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #73 on: April 29, 2005, 04:58:55 PM »

Camoflauge Clothing  

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #74 on: April 29, 2005, 05:01:51 PM »

Carpet  

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''



[smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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