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Author Topic: JOKES!!  (Read 66098 times)

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #75 on: April 29, 2005, 05:20:43 PM »

(>""<)  z
( - o -)z
It will wake up if you are cute.

(>""<)  z
(+ o +)z

Oh shit.....
You killed it!!
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #76 on: April 30, 2005, 11:33:18 AM »

Got this from someone recently. Kinda funny.

The Years Best Headlines (actual) of 2004....

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNER'S DAUGHTER.
(imagine that!)

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS.
(no, really?)

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS.
(now that's taking things a bit far!)

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
(not if i wipe thoroughly!)

PANDA MATING FAILS;VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER.
(what a guy!)

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH.
(no - good - for - nothin' lazy so - and - sos!)

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT.
(see if that works any better than a fair trial!)

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE.
(i can see where it might have that effect!)

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE.
(you think?)

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES.
(who would have thought!)

ENFIELD (LONDON) COUPLE SLAIN;POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE.
(they may be on to something!)

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES.
(you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE.
(he probably is the battery charge!)

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP.
(weren't they fat enough?)

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT.
(that's what he gets for eating those beans!)

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS.
(tastes like chicken?)

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF.
(chainsaw massacre all over again!)

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY SEVEN FOOT DOCTORS.
(boy they are tall!)

AND THE WINNER IS.....

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD.
(can you believe it??)
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #77 on: April 30, 2005, 11:44:53 AM »

And some others....

Little Johnny was in a real quandry about what sort of "experiment" he could write and tell about. Then, as he was walking home from school he spotted his "experiment" - a grasshopper. Little Johnny walked over to the grasshopper, but the grasshopper was just sitting still, quietly, minding his own business. Little Johnny ordered, "Jump!" The grasshopper jumped 35 feet!... and little Johnny wrote down some notes, "Grasshopper jumped 35 feet... with both legs."
Then little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper, tore off one of his legs, and ordered "Jump!"  The grasshopper still managed to jump 25 feet (with only one leg)...and little Johnny wrote more notes, "Grasshopper jumped 25 feet with one leg."
So, Little Johnny caught up to the grasshopper again, and tore off his other leg, and again ordered "Jump!"
The grasshopper just sat there. Little Johnny again ordered, "Jump!" And, of course, the grasshopper just sat there. Little Johnny wrote in his notes, "When you tear both legs off a grasshopper they go DEAF!"
(haha sad aye)
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #78 on: April 30, 2005, 12:03:51 PM »

Something to think about...
If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
Is it ok to use the AM radio after lunch?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair colour do they put on the drivers licence of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work?
If the 7 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
Why is bra a singular and panties plural?
You know the indestructable black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of a drive up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house does it become kitty litter?
If Aspirins are always "take two" why not increase the size of one?
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #79 on: April 30, 2005, 12:15:27 PM »

One more for now...

HOW DOES A LAWYERS BRAIN WORK?
The following questions (and answers) were actually asked of witnesses in court according to the Massachusettes Bar Assn Lawyers journel.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it till the next morning?"
2. Where you present when the picture was taken?
3. "was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
4. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
5. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" "Yes". "And these stairs, did they also go up?"
6. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
7. "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" "I have been since a baby"
8. "You were not shot in the fracas?" "No i was shot between the fracas and the navel"
9. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" "Yes" "And what were you doing at this time?"
10. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
11. "Did he kill you?"
12. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" "All my autopsies are performed on dead people"
13. "She had three children right?" "Yes" "How many were boys?" "None" "Were there any girls?"
14. "How was you first marriage terminated?" "By death". "And by whose death was it terminated"
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Wahine

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #80 on: April 30, 2005, 12:27:12 PM »

Sorry... No offence to the men folk but this one is for the Wimmin....

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?



A widow.


This one might cause offence..... None intended

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Peace.
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white_rasta

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #81 on: April 30, 2005, 02:02:59 PM »

ha ha ha [smiley=laugh.gif]  thats funny...........HEY thats sayin guys r ugly or sumthin like that         o well InI kno how to take a joke    still very funny           JAH bless
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #82 on: May 01, 2005, 01:27:57 PM »

lol yup very very funny.  [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #83 on: May 03, 2005, 04:48:26 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=grin.gif] Yu want more? I'll give ya more! [smiley=wink.gif]

Grapevine Sliding  

What song was Tarzan singing when he slid down the grapevine?

Great Balls of Fire.  


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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #84 on: May 03, 2005, 04:52:38 PM »

Wedding Night  

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?'' he asked.

''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''

''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''

''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?''

''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''

''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?''

''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!''

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #85 on: May 03, 2005, 04:56:13 PM »

 [smiley=tongue.gif] Here's a stinky one.

If you're American ...  


   If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

   European!

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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #86 on: May 03, 2005, 04:57:32 PM »


Kill the Anthropologist  

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''



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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #87 on: May 03, 2005, 04:59:24 PM »

First Time  

This guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.
The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"

[smiley=tongue.gif]
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Amish2

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #88 on: May 03, 2005, 06:25:35 PM »

 [smiley=laugh.gif] [smiley=laugh.gif]
I'll get some more when ni have time!
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BLING_BLAOH

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Re: JOKES!!
« Reply #89 on: May 06, 2005, 05:00:22 PM »

YEAH!!

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex  

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.  
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